Excerpted from a late-night text messaging session:
“We could put rose petals on the newlyweds’ bed.”
“Or a chicken.”
“It symbolizes fertility!”
“Do we just put a dead chicken on the bed?”
“That’s too much like The Godfather. . . .”
“No, live chickens.”
“. . . Where would we get live chickens?”
“. . .”
“We could just get raw chicken pieces and put those on the bed.”
“That would really kill the mood.”
“I haven’t watched TV for a month. Really! There’s a layer of dust on my TV screen!”
“You could use that as a message board.”
“Yeah. Someone wrote “Hi” with a smiley face on the dust. . . Somebody also wrote, ‘Get the duster.’ I still don’t know who it was. . .”
Sometimes IMDB synopses kill me. For example:
Violent Blue — “Katarina is a music teacher obsessed with an unfinished symphony. She worries about her brother, Ondrej an introverted inventor whose financiers are reputedly shady and dangerous. Then one day, her ex-husband Pietro shows up in her house and locks her in a cage.”
Bonus points if it’s a SciFi (now Syfy) channel production. You can always tell:
Piranhaconda — “Part Snake! Part Fish! All Killer!”
(Sidenote: To this day, nobody can give a good reason as to why Syfy decided to respell its name. It’s as if it thought it had to test the devotion of sci-fi/fantasy fans. The devotion of sci-fi/fantasy fans.)
At any rate, you can tell it has given up by this point and resorted to combining random nouns in order to come up with plotpoints. See Arachnoquake.
I have to say, though, Sharktopus did produce one of my favourite TV Guide reviews:
“If you’re only going to watch one film about a shark-octopus hybrid that roars, walks on land and leaves a body count in its wake, then make it this one.”
That, my friends, is a line indeed.
Please do not get out of your car for a bear. Please especially do not get out of your car for a mama bear and cubs.
Horse pics coming up! From now on I’m demanding a horse ride on every trip. Ho Silver! Silver, you ho.
Re: movie summary — those were the exact words she used. Note to self and to everyone in the world: get Miss Corene to narrate movies to you. Especially the bad ones. She ends up making you really, really want to watch them. Hey, she’s got me now interested in This Means War after all.
I have no excuse.