The Fantastic Four were waiting outside, in the rain, bags at their feet when Spider-Man arrived at 12:30 AM.

"Guess you're in a hurry to get out of here, huh?" Spidey laughed. Sue threw the list she'd been given at him and the Four ran off.

"Humph. The Torch calls in a favor and then they race off without explaining? Oh well. How hard can a few teens be?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"It's SPIDER-MAN!" Leech screeched as he ran out of his room, tackling the wall-crawler.

"Hey! Take it easy, fella! You're gonna bruise the ol' spider-ribs. What's your name?"

"Leech." He beamed up at his hero.

"Well, Leech, how 'bout you get back in bed and I'll read you a bedtime story?"

"Leech isn't sleepy. Leech had a whole chocolate cake this afternoon!"

The smile left Peter's face under the mask. "Really. Great. Well . . . uh . . . you want to watch some TV?"

"YEAH!"

Artie and Franklin came out of nowhere, and the three of them ran into the family room, turning on the television as they flopped onto their stomachs.

"SPIDER-MAN! COME QUICK! WE'RE UNDER ATTACK!" a blonde yelled from the top of the stairs. He swung up on his web, which shot from his wrist and attached to the ceiling. Funny, but his Spider-sense wasn't tingling. Then it did.

"HHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!" Cried a . . . thing . . . that was barreling down the hallway toward him. "WANNA SEE MY BOOGER COLLECTION??"

"AAAGGGHHHH! It's KingKong!" He shot more webbing out, sealing Herbert's mouth closed.

"MMEYY! MUT MARE MOO MOOING?!" he reached up and ripped it off, then comtinued his progression. "THAT WASN'T VERY NICE, SPIDEY! BUT IT'S OKAY! YOU'RE STILL MY BEST BUDDY!"

Spider-Man flipped backward over the rail as the creature from the black lagoon kept coming forward. In freefall now, he flipped twice and landed on the far wall.

"Told ya he was cute," Jubilee whispered to Paige.

Paige made a face. "He's wearing a mask!"

"So? He's got flexibility that would put the Cajun ta shame!"

Paige sighed and shook her head.

"SILLY SPIDEY! WHERE YA GOIN'??!" Herbert asked, descending the stairs.

"Geez--it won't stop coming!" Spider-Man flipped off the wall, catching himself with his webbing and swinging toward the littleuns. With one arm he scooped them all up, securing them in the air on more web and swinging away.

"Leech thinks this is fun!" the little green orphan cried happily, swinging.

"GET 'IM, SPIDEY, GET 'IM!" The teens called from the stairs, beating the banister in time to the chant.

"HEY! HOW CUM YA PUT 'EM UP THERE?" Herbert cried, blowing acid onto them and causing the littleuns to fall to the floor. "THAT WASN'T NICE!"

"Okay, ugly, that's it! You could have hurt those kids!"

"NUH-UH!"

Spider-Man swung toward the beast, hitting him smack in the stomach with both feet. They sank. "Eww! I thought only the Blob could do that?!"

"HEH HEH. THAT TICKLES!" Herbert blew onto Spider-Man, covering him in acid from head to feet.

"AAAGGGGGHHHHH! PAIN! PAIN! THAT DEFINITELY HURTS!" Peter never swung so fast as he did then, out the door and into the pool. Pulling himself out, his suit clinging wetly to his body, he looked at the THING with disgust. "I don't even want to know where that came from! And do you have any idea how hard it is to find a good cleaners around here? That's it, you're going!"

Spider-Man once again attacked, and once again had to jump back into the pool. "Okay, so that tactic won't work. Let's try . . . this!" He covered the THING with webbing, then grabbed it and, picking it up, threw it as far as he could. It landed on the other side of the house with a {thunp} and a muffled "HEY!" Spidey quickly climbed over the house, jumping down into the snow on the other side. "American Express is so lousy. They never pick up my packages!" he quipped, then tossed Herbert into the back of a truck racing by. "There," he said, brushing off his hands, "That should do it."

Generation X, all standing in the door, breathed a collective sigh of relief.

"I love you, Spidey!" Jubilee said, running back inside to sterilize everything Herbert had touched.

"Hey, guys? What supervillain was that?" he asked.

Our classmate.

Spidey looked back at the road, then turned to Gen X. "My condolences."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Peter looked at the clock again. When would the X-Men be home?! "WOULD YOU BE QUIET!" Ever since he had gotten rid of that . . .that . . . HERBERT . . . Jubilee had not closed her mouth once. Not even when he'd sprayed webbing on it. It had actually disintegrated. "Spideyyyyyyyyyy, Artie pushed meeeeeeeee!!!!!!"

Spider-Man looked over at the wailing child, then sighed in irritation. "Look Skin, just tell him not to! You fight bad guys, you have powers, you're older! Make him stop!"

An evil glint entered Skin's eye as the web slinger turned and ran, Jubilee on his heels. Finally, after making several daring escapes, he found himself alone, away from Jube, in the biosphere. He took a deep breath and sat down, then jumped back up when he saw a shape come out of the night. "Oh, it's you," he said in relief, plopping back into the dirt. Penance grinned.

"They're gonna kill you."

Spider-Man jumped up, looking at her as if she'd just sprouted wings. "YOU TALKED! YOU ACTUALLY TALKED!"

Jubilee found him just then, screaming like an idiot about Penance talking. She slowly backed away, then went inside to find the others. She called a meeting in the science lab, and waited for everyone to assemble.

"Skin, where's Artie?" she asked as they all sat around.

"I . . . took care of him."

She just nodded. "We have a problem, people. Spidey's lost it. He thinks he heard Penny talking. Now, what are we going to do about this?"

There were murmurings as small groups talked quickly among themselves, then Paige stood up. "I vote we force him to leave. He could be dangerous."

Jubilee nodded. "Yes, I think that would be best. Let's go with plan 'c'."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Spider-Man looked through the closets some two hours later, trying valiantly to find Artie with Jubilee talking at his back. Finally he turned and eyed her. "WOULD YOU SHUT UP?!?!"

Jubilee was quiet for a whole three seconds, then she started in again. "But you know what the best thing about being an X-Man instead of a freelance superhero, like you, is, is the team work and camaraderie. Of course, that's just ëcuz I happened to hate going solo. There was this time when I went solo, it was back when I was living in the mall, oh gawd, that was like, totally awesome then. I could do anything I wanted and nobody bugged me. But that's not the point. The point is--well, I don't remember what the point was, but being a solo superhero really sucks. You know, the least you could do is wear some good clothes. I mean, you have like, no fashion sense! Really I should get Monet and I to dress you. Hey! That's a good idea! M!!! MONET!!" She continued to shout for the young lady as Spider-Man tried to shut her up, then suddenly he was being pulled through the air. And still he wasn't able to get rid of Jubilee. It seemed she was shouting after him, her shrill voice carrying far over the quiet night. In fact, it was really quiet. Almost too quiet. Then it was quiet no longer as someone started setting off firecrackers. And he was sure that wasn't Jubilee. In fact, it sounded like it was coming from what was left of the biosphere.

"NNNOOOOO!!!" he shouted, being pulled into the Fashion Design Center, also known lovingly as the Fat & Dorky Center.

"Here," M said, throwing him into the round thing that designed all their clothes. "Try this on." With that she pushed some buttons, the thing whirled and he had to fight in order to get out. But he really needed to go get whoever was setting off firecrackers.

With one mighty kick he crumbled the thing, then shot out of it and web-slung over to where the horrible sounds were coming from.

"Scatter!" the gray skinned boy shouted as he saw the webslinger coming. Everett, Jono and Skin ran for their lives, using whatever was handy to shoot Spider-Man away from the ground. In fact, after something like three well aimed shots, he was swinging quite helplessly from his web, turning and twisting mid-air.

Then suddenly the shots stopped, and there was only laughter. As he swung less and could finally drop off, he hit the ground and went for the boys, who couldn't defend themselves because they were laughing too hard.

"I've had enough of you three. Up you go!" he said as he entered the main hall, throwing each of them into the air in turn and plastering them with web against the wall. "Just . . . hang out for a while."

He turned and went back to the biosphere, searching for anything amiss. Franklin was in the process of daring Leech to eat the firecracker leftovers, and Leech was in the process of obeying.

"DON'T DO THAT!" Spider-Man shouted, scaring both kids into almost peeing their pants. Both started wailing and Spidey ran forward to try and make them stop.

"Get away from them, you perv!" Jubilee shouted, blasting at him with her hands as he came close. "You make me sick. Picking on poor little boys, making them eat firecrackers, forcing them to sleep out here! Just wait 'till the ASPCA hears about ya!"

Spider-Man stopped and took a deep breath, holding the bridge of his nose with his gloved fingers. "Jubilee, I'm really getting sick of you. And second--"

"Ya didn't say the first."

Spider-Man glared at her. "Second, the ASPCA is for abused animals not kids."

"So what's yer point, fluffy?"

"FLUFFY?! Fluffy?!" Spider-Man stuttered. He'd been called many things in his time--mostly by J. Jonah Jameson--but never, ever had he been called fluffy. "Look here, you little punk," he started, shaking his finger at her, "You have no right--"

"Yeah, yeah. How long is this lecture gonna last? Melrose is on in an hour an' I don't wanna miss it."

"You don't--how long--YOU ARE IMPOSSIBLE! You are an egotistical little MALL RAT!"

Jubilee just looked at him, the littleuns forgotten between them as they ate more firecrackers.

Finally Jubilee looked down at them. "Your charges are dying. You're not a very good babysitter, ya know that?"

Spider-Man looked down, the little kids puking their guts out on his shoes which were--he was just noticing--pink satin with yellow lace. "I'm really going to get you for this one," he muttered. Then Leech started a new round of upchucking.*

Picking the boy up by the back of his pants he ran as fast as he could to the bathrooms. He set Leech down roughly by a toilet, then stepped back. Leech smiled. "Leech is done barfing now. Bye!" He turned and ran down the hallway, going to find Franklin.

Spider-Man looked down at his clothes, but before he could do anything he was called away by a screaming noise.

He ran, again, down the hall and into the library, where Skin was sitting on Leech while Jubilee--wearing a sunshade/poker player's hat/reporters hat--was chewing on a cigarette like licorice stick and writing in her notebook.

"What are you doing?!" Peter snapped as he pulled Skin off Leech. "And how did you get down from my webbing?!"

"You want I should answer both of those, or just one?"

"BOTH!"

"In any particular order?" Skin blew cigarette smoke into Spidey's face.

The webcrawler started coughing, but still managed to choke out "any order!"

"I used Jono's blast, and I'm baby-sitting." He snickered and walked away.

"WELL STOP IT!" Spider-Man shouted to the boy's back. Skin kept walking.

"This is gonna make great copy!" Jubilee giggled as she started to run from the room, her notebook clutched to her chest. Spider-Man looked down at Leech, who was currently trying to knaw of his leg.

"Would you consider stopping that?"

Leech shook his head.

"I didn't really think so.

A minute later Franklin was attached to the other leg, both boys laughing gleefully as they held on while Spidey walked around.

"SPIDAH-MAN!" Paige shouted, racing downstairs.

"WHAT?!!?!?!?"

She stopped dead and looked at him, her big blue eyes getting bigger. "Ah didn't mean ta make ya mad," she said, thickening her natural drawl. "Ah . . .ah . . ."

Spider-Man sighed. "I'm not mad at you. I'm just tired. What do you need?"

"Ah wanted ta know iffin Ah could borrow th' car. Ah have some things that we seem ta be out of."

Spidey hemmed and hawwed, then finally sighed. "I'd rather have everyone here. Why don't you tell me what you need and I'll go get it?"

She nodded, smiling brightly, and handed him the list. He took one look at it and swallowed. "Uh, are you sure you're out of these things?"

Paige batted her eyelashes and gave him her shyest smile. "Wouldja rather Ah go get 'em?"

Spider-Man handed the list back, glad to get it out of his hands. He'd gotten female stuff for Mary Jane only when he was forced to, and he knew her well. "Sure. The keys are--"

"Ah know where th' keys are!" she cried, running past him.

"Oh. Well, okay. If you think you'll be fine. Just drive carefully!"

"AH WILL!" she shouted and the door slammed shut. He looked down at his feet and legs which, until recently, had been adorned by two boys and saw that he was wearing purple stockings. Sighing, he went to the closet to see if anyone had some clothes he could borrow. When he opened the door he was confronted by shelves full of female stuff. His face turned red, and he ran out the door as fast as he could while the sound of an engine turning over greeted his ears.

"STOP! STOP YOU LITTLE LIARS! GET BACK HERE!" he had to do some fancy web-swinging, but he managed to catch the car full of teenagers before it left the drive. Picking the back wheels up off the ground he found, much to his dismay, that the jeep was equipped with four wheel drive. It was a major struggle to keep the car from moving, but finally the front wheels dug a rut so big it couldn't have gotten out of it wanted to. Spider-Man set the back wheels down, then held onto them until they had been dug into the ground too. Then he walked to the door, where Jubilee was waiting with a camera, and opened it. The flash went off in his face, and while he was blinded the whole horde of giggling teenagers ran into the house.

"This is gonna be a perfect shot for the school paper!" Jubilee cackled gleefully. It seemed that these children did everything gleefully.

Spider-Man grabbed a tight hold on the last shreds of his patience, and, with a good grip on those frayed ends, walked into the house. Franklin and Leech had decided to be like Spidey and were swinging from the chandelier, heedless to the crystals that were falling off and smashing on the tile floor. Monet and Everett were having a jello fight in the middle of the antique room, and Skin was lighting a cigarette--with a flame-thrower he'd found in the garage.

"STOP IT! STOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPIT!!!!!" Spider-Man shouted, finally snapping.

"Y'know, it's really not good for you to keep all those emotions bottled up. Are you sexually frustrated Spidey? It's cuz ëa that mask. No one trusts you when you wear a mask. And it's really bad fashion sense too. It's almost as bad as Maggie's first mask. He had this horrible red and purple thing that framed his face. It just didn't go with his white hair and blue eyes. I'll tell ya, the X-Men almost always had good costumes. Of course, they had me to consult and that helped a lot. If I were to help you, though, you'd need a lot of work. But I think I could--"

Spider-Man turned slowly to look at the jabbering young Asian. She would be the first to go. Grabbing her by her collar he threw her high into the air, and webbed her in place, puttting so much webbing on her mouth that even she couldn't work it free. Then he sprayed webbing over Leech and Franklin, sticking them to the chandelier. Turning quickly, he shot Skin to the bookcase, flame thrower still in hand. Paige and Jono were next, then Monet and Everett got stuck up with red jello. Penance walked in just then, coming to see what was going on. Spider-Man stuck her to that wall too. Taking deep, shaky breaths he sat down on the couch, looking at all the human ornaments around him. He was still there when the X-Men walked in three hours later, beaten and tired.

"Just who are you?!" Cyclops demanded, looking at the man wearing a yellow sunflower dress with purple stockings and pink lace shoes, "And what are you doing here?"

Spider-Man looked at him, then shook his head slowly. "I'm so sorry for you, so very, very sorry."

"Thank you," Jean replied solemnly, "I am too."

Slowly, like an old man, Spider-Man got up and walked to the door, not even having the energy to glare at the people who were snickering at his outfit. Cyclops watched him leave, then turned to Generation X all hung up an the walls. Slowly he shook his head and moved to start cutting them down, much to the boo's and hisses of the other X-Men.

"Hey," he said after they were all standing around, "Has anyone seen Artie?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Artie scratched his new pet--a sewer rat--and smiled to himself. This wasn't a bad place, really. Dumpsters were good to stay in when big, gray skinned gangsters put you there. Much safer then being around them. Don't worry, Ronald, he thought to his new pet, I won't let you sleep out in the wild anymore. You can come inside with me from now on. We'll have a great life together in the mansion!

Five days left...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*upchucking: i.e. barfing up all of your previous meals, in this case, onto someone else's shoes. Re: How much would could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? And how much wood would a woodchuck upchuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? Or: A woodchuck would chuck all the wood he could chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Back to the X-Mansion
Back to the living room