“I go away for a week and the world goes to Hell. Really, you don’t want me here, you try to kill me, and yet you can’t keep out of Hell without me!”

Jean sighed. “I know, Phoenix,” she said tiredly, her hands still in chains as fire lipped at her feet. “And I’m sorry. Really. If I had thought that we’d get sent to Hell--”

“Not just you,” Phoenix said, enjoying seeing the X-Men squirm. “But you got the entire WORLD sent to Hell! Come on, say it with me! You sent the world to Hell!”

“Okay, already, enough,” Kitty said from her corner where she had been driven by demons. “We got the world sent to Hell! We apologize!” Her eyes narrowed as she stared at the being of light. “Where were you, anyway? You say you’re the one who keeps us from getting into too much trouble, but I never see you around.”

The Phoenix seemed to sniff disdainfully--if it was possible for celestial beings to do that. “Of course I’m around all the time. Who do you think got Roma to keep you alive? Or who gave Wolverine the power to live through that whole adimantium experience?”

“Which one?” Iceman muttered from his puddle on the floor.

Phoenix ignored him. “And who keeps all of you from contracting Legacy, even though you--especially you, Excaliber--insist on being around it? And who makes sure Beast doesn’t crash when he goes driving after being up all night for twelve nights running?”

Hank blushed under his blue fur.

“ALL RIGHT, ALREADY!” Scott shouted, his temper frayed by the hammer hitting his head. “You’re the wonderful thing we can’t live without! Now would you get us out of here???”

The Phoenix glared at Cyclops. “You. I want you to say “Phoenix is everything and nothing can be done without her.” In fact, I want the Shi’ar to say it too! Were they on Earth when it was sent to Hell, by any chance?” she asked hopefully.

“No,” Xavier ground out. “Now will you kindly get us out of here?” Above him, a demon looked lovingly into its reflection before continuing to wax Charles’ head.

“Fine,” Phoenix huffed--if it was possible for a celestial being to do that. “But first, repeat after me. ‘We X-Men can do nothing,’”

“We X-Men can do nothing,” they repeated, some with more enthusiasm than others.

“’Without the help of the Phoenix.’”

“Without the help of the Phoenix.”

Phoenix smiled. “Good! Now I’ll go see what I can do about this.” She turned and flew off, going to find some of the higher ranking demons.

It was hours later when she finally came back, slightly . . . inebriated.

“You, ah, get him t’ let us go?” Gambit asked, catching the Phoenix as she fell over.

“{hic} Yup,” she breathed at him.

Gambit choked and dropped her.

“PAY ATTENTION, HUMANS AND MUTANTS,” rang out a hellish voice as the world started returning to normal. “IT IS ONLY THROUGH THE GRACE OF HIM {ECHO ECHO ECHO} THAT YOU ARE BEING ALLOWED TO RETURN HOME. LIVE IN FEAR!!!” And then everything was back to normal--with the Phoenix still . . . inebriated . . . on the floor of the X-Mansion.

“So, what you t’ink she do t’ get us out?” Gambit asked, looking down at the giggling Phoenix force.

“I don’t think I wanna know . . .” Wolverine sighed.

Below them the Phoenix seemed to sing “How dry I am! How wet I’ll be! If I can’t find! The bathroom key!” But of course, it wasn’t possible for celestial beings to embarrass themselves like that.

--End

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