Hello and welcome to the first lesson in how to be a hero or villain. The following rules are things that you should keep in mind while saving or destroying the world; every true super-person does. This list was compiled by myself--JBMcDragon--and my fellow heroes and heroines, who I would list here if there were not so many of them. Credits are at the end. This manual is copyright 1998 to each and every one of us who wrote it. If you have any additions, please contact me at jbmcdragon@lycos.com.
And now, the Rulebook.
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Hero's and Villain’s Rulebook.
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Part One: How To Be A Hero
#1: Everyone shall wear costumes and have codenames, even those that may be completely ineffective (for instance, the case of Beast of the X-Men).
#2: All heroes have to fight or they won't be considered real heroes. Heroes use their fists, not their minds.
#3: A hero must have some sort of horrible catastrophe befall him/her before they are allowed to become true heroes.
#4: Any hero who is also English must say the words “bloody,” “wanker” and “git” at least once.
#5: Heroes must never, ever have to go to the bathroom or get a wedgie, no matter how improbable. (Case in point: Pyslocke.)
#6: In a hero team there must be at least one stick-in-the-mud who does enough angsting for the rest of the team, and one devil-may-care character who makes the angster mad.
#7: In every hero team there must be at least one person who was once a villain and now repents their ways.
#8: A heroine must wear very revealing outfits in order to help defeat her enemies; they’re so busy watching . . . her . . . that they don’t see her kick coming for their face.
#9: A heroine must never complain about having to wear very revealing outfits, and instead must enjoy it and do so as often as possible.
#10: A rich heroine must wear even more revealing outfits, and an unattainable heroine must wear the most revealing outfits. (Case in point: Vampirella)
#11: In every hero team there must be one deformed hero.
#12: In a team of superheroes there must be one who has almost, or has, died.
#13: No matter how many ex-boyfriends and girlfriends know the secret identities of the heroes, the secret identities stay secret.
#14: A superhero, no matter how self-serving and unsavory, must always be willing to sacrifice their life--even for a supervillain.
#15: Heroines who are serious about their work must have long hair; unless the heroine is short.
#16: If a hero or heroine is short then they must be feisty and fierce.
#17: Heroes must always live in a wealthy fashion, even though there may not be an income source.
#18: One of the heroes on a team must have above-average intelligence.
#19: On a team of heroes, one of them must leave for a short time.
#20: There must always be a heroine sacrifice. (Refer to Jean Grey.)
#21: Heroes must do everything in their power to keep Bucky from coming back.
#22: One person on each hero team must have (or have had) a child.
#23: One person on a hero team must have a mysterious past.
#24: Each hero team must have at least ONE energy-wielding character in order to make the team of heroes and the ONE energy-wielding character!
#25: In a young team of youths and youthful adults (to lead the new decade of youths through that short, youthful era), you must have a snotty, egotistical mouth on the youthful team.
#26: Thy will is mine. No, no. Wait. That's MY rule book. Ummm...the good and moral hero shall not be swayed by the tantalizing, throbbing, pulsing...(sorry, I was distracted yet again)..."hither-here" Dance Of Villainy (tm). The hero must remain chaste and pure...until the hero achieves the time period the reader partakes between issues.
#27: EVERYONE must look good in spandex.
#28: There must be some woman on the team of heroes who wears "butt floss" as a costume (Psylocke) and not much else.
#29: Each team must have one big dumb guy who looses control and smashes stuff up. Often.
#30: Every team must have a couple that was 'destined to be together', but doesn't get together until one of the couple has had to deal with [repetitive] deaths/resurrections, other love interests, children from the future coming back to visit, etc., etc.
#31: Any solo male hero MUST have an ex-lover who went bad and now tries to kill him every second week.
#33: Any older hero must have had a spouse and/or children killed or gone bad. If the children/spouse went bad, they must try to kill the hero every second plotline (unless there's a crossover, when they can try and kill them anyway, to be taken out by the weakest participant in said crossover)
#34: Each team must have one heroine that wears butt-floss (for questions, please refer to rule #28). Aforementioned butt-floss will become ripped/shredded in fight. If butt-floss is shredded in an explosion, male hero who is even closer to source of explosion will walk away, costume intact.
#35: Each team must have a guy with claws. This guy may or may not get his own series, but he. Must. Have. Claws.
#36: There is never too much angst for heroes. If in doubt, angst. (For more information on angst cross-reference with rule #134.)
#37: Any hero who has a large gun fixation must be able to produce previously unseen guns in less than two panels.
#38: Every heroine must have breast implants and liposuction.
#39: Even if a hero receives an injury where he is decapitated and bleeding out his eyes, he still must go on and defeat the villain.
#40: A hero must not spend any large amount of time doing anything that is not helping the world.
#41: A hero must save the world a minimum of 6 times per year, otherwise they shall be disbarred.
#42: A hero must never show fear lest he lose his hero’s license. If a hero ever shows fear, he shall be locked in the villain’s fortress until such time as his anger at that imprisonment enables him to regain his courage. At this time he must prove himself worthy of his hero’s stature by fighting his way out through an assortment of villains and evil creatures. And he must do this (since he is unarmed) by ingenious use of the remains of his tattered costume.
#43: At any given time the hero must be able to come up with a plan to defeat the villain using nothing more then toenail clippings and spit.
#44: If a heroine is ever to fight in a dress or skirt, they must not flash anyone. Or, failing that, they must flash everyone.
#43: A hero or heroine shall never have to pee in the middle of an intense moment.
#44: At least one hero on every team must fall in love with a villain, and subsequently suffer much angst. (See above rules on ‘angst.’)
#45: Married heroes shall never announce to their heroine wives that they have run out of clean underwear.
#46: Heroes must never rip their uniforms, even when being attacked by an African lion. A heroine’s uniform must rip if she passes within ten feet of a rosebush.
#47: The size of a heroine’s head (including her hair) must never exceed the size of one of her breasts.
#48: Heroines are always beautiful. If their beauty is marred, no matter what the circumstances were, they become villainesses.
#49: Intelligent heroes may always be good looking, even if they wear glasses and pocket protectors. Intelligent heroines must look like variations on the character “Velma” from “Scooby-Doo.”
#50: The muscular structure of the hero’s chest must be three times larger than the heroine’s chest and his waist must be half the size of a heroine’s thigh.
#51: When the group of heroes is sneaking into the villains fortress for the “Last Major Battle” one member of the team must always blow the mission by emitting a bodily function. Loudly.
#52: The girlfriend or boyfriend of a hero or heroine, upon finding out that their beau masquerades as a superhero, must take this information very calmly and accept the fact. If not, they must die within the next three minutes.
#53: There must always be one member on a team who has deliberately or accidentally killed a loved one. This causes much guilt. (See above rules on ‘angst.’)
#54: If a rather homely looking hero defeats a villain or in any way saves the day he immediately becomes more good looking and the women who snubbed him now all want to go out with him. (He may refuse. But no matter how nasty they were to him, he is always gracious to them.)
#55: A hero must have a relation that is a villain. This causes much angst. (See above rules on ‘angst.’)
#56: Heroes must always be prepared for people in comas waking at really inconvenient times.
#57: If it smiles when you turn your back, kill it.
#58: The hero shall never laugh last. He who laughs last dies two panels later.
#59: Heroes, when possible, shall be implanted with a second heart. A second heart is a handy thing to have.
#60: Remember: a semi-sentient techno-organic slug in the hand is worth two in the mini-series.
#61: If a hero has a mini-series written about him or herself, whatever was stated in the aforementioned mini-series may have never happened.
#62: Heroes must be nice. Whatever happens, they are nice. Always, heroes shall be nice... until it is time to not be nice... then you extrude adamantium, pop open a can of butt-whup, and take a fast train to claw city.
#63: If you're damned if you do, and damned if you don't, then you might as well angst about it. (See above rules on ‘angst.’)
#64: If a hero does not see the body, run it through a thorough DNAnalysis, and chop it up into little tiny bits, then they aren't really dead.
#65: Heroes with full body fur shall have at least one friend who's a plumber.
#66: Heroes must remember: Smith & Wesson beats a straight flush, but a kinetically charged boysenberry pie beats a plasma rifle every time.
#67: The world is only at risk between June and September. The rest of the time, it's just a little messed up.
#68: All aliens speak English. If they don't the hero must speak the alien language.
#69: Regardless of genetic incompatibility, aliens and humans can procreate.
#70: Such children will have powers, really great hair, and neat spaceships.
#71: 'Bamf' is a real sound, and may be used at any time, but only by heroes.
#72: Heroes don't, ever, ever, just play poker.
#73: Heroes and villains alike should beware of redheads.
#74: Heroes' scruples remind said hero that a mind is a terrible thing to scan.
#75: Heroes must always have eyes in the back of their head so that when they turn their back on the creature they know what it’s going to do before it does it.
#76: On every hero team there must be one member who has a “Special Gift” for communicating with animals. Use of this “Gift” saves the day. Often.
#77: In at least every third battle a heroine must defeat the villain in an ingenious manner by ripping off most or all of her clothing in order to use the material to create a device no one else would ever think of.
#78: A heroine always looks beautiful even when she gets up in the morning, hasn’t showered for four days, and has just gotten over the stomach flu.
#79: Heroines never menstruate.
#80: Heroes have sex. A lot. Often. (Unless they’re married, and then they get none.) If they don’t, see above rules on ‘angst.’
#81: Heroines don’t have sex. Not any. Ever. (Unless they’re married, and then it’s okay.) If they do, see above rules on ‘angst.’ (Cross reference with Villain Rule #10)
#82: No matter how sudden or unexpected the attack, heroes and heroines must always have time to change into costume, or else be wearing it under their clothes.
#83: Heroes and heroines must be able to change into their costumes without being seen. Even if they are forced to do so in the middle of a crowded street.
#84: Heroes and heroines who grew up on Earth have a lot of angst because it is what people on Earth do. Heroes and heroines who did not grow up on Earth have a lot of angst because “they do not fit in.” (See above rules on ‘angst.’)
#85: Heroes are allowed to wear makeup without it detracting from their masculinity--but only when in costume.
#86: Heroes are never gay. Even if they wear pink and yellow and have really good fashion sense. (Refer to Rule #132 for the exception.)
#87: Heroines may be gay BUT only if they are extremely unattractive. (See above reference to “Velma.”) (Refer to Rule #133 for the exception.)
#88: Heroines who are attractive and gay must be swayed by the other attractive hero.
#89: Heroes must maintain the muscularity of Arnold Schwarznegger without ever doing any weight lifting, exercise of any kind (except for battling villains), and while living on a diet of hamburgers, fries and beer.
#90: Heroines never eat. If somehow they trip and their mouth falls on food they must not eat again for months, or even years.
#91: No matter how hard they’ve been working/battling, a hero never sweats.
#92: Anytime a hero and a villain (they may be either male or female) have a PAST and they must confront each other in battle they will always have a Touching Moment, regardless of how much carnage is going on around them.
#93: A hero or heroine who dies is always resurrected as a villain or villainess. The rest of the hero’s team must then fight to save him or her from their evil selves.
#94: Heroines will always act in VERY stupid ways if a mouse enters their room. No matter what her powers are, she must react like an incredibly cowardly/stupid creature.
#95: A mutant’s powers must start around age 15. This causes much angst, since it interferes with their social life. (See above rules on ‘angst.’)
#96: Heroes must be potty trained. Such in the off occasion the hero is not trained in the ways of potty, the hero mustn't indulge us, the audience.
#97: Feminine wiles are only accentuated better with heels of at least four inches. The truly talented and unattainable heroines must have BIG ROCKS and heels of inches six and above.
#98: A musical instrument, Heroes shall not play. Tis the sign of talent.
#99: If thou rhyme, thou art evil. If thou whine, thou art youngen.
#100: If a person is a subhuman, underground-based creature, he or she has excellent potential in being a HERO!
#101: Moral conducts are most becoming if you are a heroine of Good: heroines shall love their husbands, their country, their job, and their chocolate candy!
#102: All superheroes must wear their underwear outside of their costume.
#103: Aforementioned underwear must cater to the fact that superheroes never use the bathroom.
#104: All super heroines must have a triple D bra cup size (that'd be DDD) and have enough lift to never have to wear one.
#105: A super heroine’s breasts never get in the way of running, kicking, saving the world or doing any mundane thing.
#106: When a superheroine is angsting she must sleep with every hero on the team and with any man that she can get her hands on. This causes more angst (see above rules on ‘angst’), which continues in an endless cycle until said heroine has a traumatic experience, such as death, rebirth, or the switching of bodies.
#107: Heroes and heroines must have the ability to run, jump, and do the double-overhead-superjump-back kick!
#108: A hero or heroine must never save the day sooner then “The Nick Of Time.” If they do happen to save the world before this specified time, then they must berate themselves for not finding “alternate possibilities.” This causes much angst. (See above rules on ‘angst.’)
#109: Heroes and/or heroines may be hundreds/thousands of years old, but they NEVER look older than 35.
#110: Every hero before--or in defect, immediately upon entering the team--must have found him/herself a perfect, attractive and impossible to forget nick name. (For names that have been refused, click here.)
#111: Heroes must have a mission in outer space at least once a week. (They must also have access to the equipment to take them into outer space, or, failing that, they must be able to devise a way to get there. Failing that, there must be much angst. See above rules on ‘angst.’)
#112: Heroes can have pets, but they must be strange. Example: dragons, demons, etc.
#113: Heroes never use glasses. And if it's unavoidable they use blue contact lenses. If they are unable to do this, then they must be of above average IQ and only have to wear the glasses sometimes--as when working on the computer, or working on mutating DNA. Upon receiving the mandate to wear glasses there must be much angst. (See above rules on ‘angst.’)
#114: In every team there must be one foreign hero. This is done to be sure that no matter how illegal and wanted the team is, it is still politically correct.
#115: At least one hero in a team must speak multiple foreign languages. These languages come in handy when the team is stranded on a remote island off the coast of Africa where the natives happen to speak the ancient and long-dead language of Zammbootzian. Said hero must be fluent in this language. This penchant for speaking many languages saves the day. Often.
#116: Heroes and heroines never clean house. Heroes and heroines never go to the market. They have no maids. However, their houses are always clean and tidy. This rule also applies for gardens.
#117: Heroes and heroines are never sick. Ever.
#118: Heroes don't feel heat or cold. No matter if they're in the Gobi dessert or in the Antarctica, they'll always use the same clothes.
#119: Resurrection is a fact.
#120: At the first sign of physical contact, a hero or heroine must start leaking/spewing blood.
#121: A hero shall never drive anything as mundane as a Volkswagen, Station Wagon or Mini-van.
#122: Any villain must detail his evil plan to the hero before killing said person. The hero must take this time to concoct something to save everyone in The Nick Of Time.
#123: Heroes never pay taxes.
#124: No hero shall be under six foot six, with the following exceptions: 1) Teens may be significantly shorter, until they reach 19 at which point they suddenly grow. 2) Midgets may be short--but only to emphasizes the height of their other teammates. There are few exceptions to this rule (i.e. Wolverine of the X-Men).
#125: A hero can never have too much saliva (those oh so cool hangy threads, and the always delightful specks while screaming. Always there, even if the hero hasn't had anything to drink for weeks).
#126: Angst is never resolved, it just fades away. (See above rules on "angst.")
#127: Love is just another excuse for angst. (See above rules on "angst.")
#128: Heroes, due to the fact that they are constantly in close contact with attractive members of the opposite sex, must have iron control over their hormones.
#129: Though heroes angst mightily about everything else, all physical pain and torture suffered is forgotten ten minutes after they were beaten to a bloody, drooling pulp.
#130: Despite all that amazing technology, it is impossible to construct an outfit that does not shred.
#131: A superheroine must be wary about using the word 'girl' in her codename lest she be forever haunted by it, even when she's a married woman with children.
#132: Heroes who are gay must not disclose this information until several hundred issues after their initial appearance. During this timespan, subtle hints shall be dropped by the hero and those who know of the hero's homosexuality (even though it would be much simpler to admit that the hero is gay), but no one shall ever guess. After the aforementioned timespan has passed, there shall be a spectacular coming out event. (Refer to "Northstar" of Alpha Flight.)
#133: The exception to the aforementioned heroine rule about being lesbian is: heroines are only lesbian if they are very, very, very, very attractive and have a drop-dead gorgeous body, and will happily taunt all agonized drooling males with said gorgeous body. And there will always be one heterosexual guy seriously frustrated by said heroine's "other way inclination." (Refer to Rainmaker of Gen 13)
#134: Heroes and heroines must spend a minimum of 2 hours per day worrying and fretting over things they have no hope of changing.
#135: If a heroine has a child, it will not interfere with her first job, which is as a HERO.
#136: Heroines only will raise the child. The hero will never change diapers or get up at 2 AM to feed his child.
#137: A heroine will never have stretch marks.
#138: A heroine's hair shall never get in her face or caught in machinery. It will stay in place without hairspray or mousse.
#139: A heroine shall never be seen without her impeccable makeup.
#140: If a heroine wears the exact same uniform as a hero, her boots will always have a heel of at least 3 inches tall.
#141: A hero or heroine shall not have a real job. If they do (Refer to Matt Murdock) they will have bosses that are really dense and never notice the long bathroom breaks.
#142: A heroine, if she has a job, will do nothing modern. She shall be things like waitresses or models. If the heroine decides to flaunt this rule and have a modern job, like a doctor, she shall be placed on the reserve team and not allowed to be seen except as an afterthought.
#143: A hero or heroine will never be recognized out of costume. Especially if they do not wear masks. A pair of glasses and a slight hair change is enough.
#144: On a team of heroes there must be at least one person who flies.
#145: Every hero or heroine who flies must, at least once in the run of their series, lose this ability. This causes much angst. (See above rules on 'angst.')
#146: If a hero picks up a weapon, even if this weapon happens to be a crusty spoon, they must be a master at using said weapon. With this weapon they must be able to disarm, catch and defeat the bad guy, even if said bad guy is armed with a three ton cannon backed by twelve bazookas and a flame thrower, and they must do this without breaking a sweat.
#146: Any hero must be able to solve Rule #32, or else be put into a lava pit and forced to work their way out using only toenail clippings and spit. Any hero who cannot work their way out will forever be disbarred from becoming a hero. After all, all heroes must be excellent detectives.
Part Two: How To Be A Villain
#1: Each villain must have at least one corny line per year; otherwise they will not be considered a true threat.
#2: Villains must be physically more powerful then the heroes, yet somehow be beaten time and again.
#3: Villains must never learn from their mistakes.
#4: Villains turned heroes must have severe angsting happen before being allowed into the club.
#5: Villains turned heroes must have a severe decrease in whatever powers they have; otherwise they would have a fair fight with another villain, and that is against The Rules.
#6: Villains of any sort must be rejects of fashion clubs and should be shot on sight for causing eyesores with their mismatched outfits.
#7: If a "villain" becomes a "good guy" he/she automatically gets good fashion sense and dresses like all the other "good guys" (i.e. super tight and skimpy clothing).
#8: No matter how many times a villain is killed he must always come back from the dead.
#9: Remember: good help is hard to find, but easy to clone.
#10: Villains have sex. Anywhere. Everywhere. All the time. They have no angst. (Cross reference with Hero Rule #91)
#11: A villain sweats a lot, unless he’s good looking.
#12: A villain must never be swayed by a beautiful heroine. A villainess must always be able to sway the handsome hero. After swaying the handsome hero, the villainesses must repent their evil ways and become heroines. If they fail to repent, they must have much angst. (See above rules on ‘angst.’)
#13: Anytime a hero and a villain (they may be either male or female) have a PAST and they must confront each other in battle they will always have a Touching Moment, regardless of how much carnage is going on around them.
#14: If thou rhyme, thou art evil. If thou whine, thou art youngen.
#15: Any villain must detail his evil plan to the hero before killing said person. The hero must take this time to concoct something to save everyone in The Nick Of Time.
#16: A villain will fight good guys, police, people and will run from and escape everyone they can. But not even the worst of villains tries to escape the IRS.
#17: If you want the hero dead never shoot them in the head. That would be ridiculous! Always suspend them over a pit of alligators/piranhas/fire/acid/etc. and have something time consuming eat away at the rope holding them up.
#18: All villains must have their hair slicked back.
#19: All villains must have hideously bad codenames (i.e. Mr. Sinister).
#20: All villains must try to take over the world, even if that isn't their main purpose.
#21: Villains must have billions of dollars that come from absolutely nowhere.
#22: Villains must use this money to fund hideous schemes that will always fail.
#23: No matter how big the villain's base is, and how many people are hired to build it, no one can ever know where it is until the Heroes find it.
#24: Villains must laugh maniacally whenever faced with a hero, and then proceed to capture and/or incarcerate them only to have them escape and kill all the goons.
#25: Villains must capture a hero who just happens to be your identical twin and then proceed to impersonate said hero and gather all the hero's plans only to be foiled at the last moment by the original hero escaping and proceeding to kick your arse.
#26: A true villain always goes for the more grandiose scheme. Stealing a million dollars? Piffle! Why bother when you can take over a bankrupt Eastern Bloc country instead?
#27: Female villains must wear heels at least 6" high...minimum.
#28: Any hero who becomes a villain immediately must have sharper cheekbones, thicker eyebrows and a constant scowl.
#29: Remember; black leather is not only a fashion statement, but de rigur in some circles.
#30: You must always have one wisecracking henchmen who is utterly useless when confronting the enemy. He will, however, have the appearance of a shaved monkey on speed.
#31: Villains must always leave the hero in a dangerous but easily escapable peril and take them for dead.
#32: Villains always must be somehow related to the hero they fight.
#33: Villains must hire The Goon Of The Week.
#34: There are 2 extremes in villains appearance: they must be the most horrible creature you've ever seen in your whole life, or they're extremely handsome. Villains NEVER look like normal people.
#35: Villains will always explain their devious plot/plan to the heroes just before said heroes
A) Overcome your cronies
B) Escape your trapdoor/dungeon/jail
C) Beat you into a bloody pulp.
#36: If one is a supervillian who, in the past, was friends with a team organizer, amnesia is a good way to be absolved of all past sins.
General Rule For Both Heroes And Villains:
Remember: while doing all of these things, a hero or villain must always be mindful of the Comics Code Association laws and the watchful eyes of minors.
CREDITS:
For Part One:
Mica (who started it): 94, 95, 109-120
Impar: 94, 85-96, 19-21
Maureen: 102-106; 26; 29
Lynx: 20-25, 27
Abyss 58-74
Older Sister basically wrote from 41-43, 46-53 & 75-81, 82-91, 92.
Little Sister: 44, 11, 12, 15, 18, 19, 32
And I, JBMcD, wrote the rest. :) (I’m not sure how much there is left!!) Among them (i.e., the ones I can remember right off the top of my head!) are #1-10, 95, 96, 120, 121, 122, 123, 124
Northlight: 125-131
Maelstrom: 132, 133
Kerri: 134
PsiWolf: 135-143
Travis: 144-146
For Part Two:
Seraph: 24, 25
JBMcDragon: 1-5, 15, 16 and the General Rule.
Marueen: 6, 7 19-23
Dex: 25-30
Mica: 34
Hellions Pizza: 31-33
Older Sister: 8, 10, 11, 12, 13
Abyss: 9
Impar: 14
Trillian: 17,18
Frito: 35
Em-Spider: 36
Back to the Meadow
Back to the living room