Written for Caia, who requested I write about the two Green Arrows and Mia in the kitchen.

Pest 1/1

Some mornings, it just wasn't worth getting up.

"Everything is fine," Mia said, each word forced through gritted teeth. Her feet scrabbled against the floor once again, slipping on the wet tile. "Just peachy."

Conner surveyed the kitchen, the only light coming from the moon and stars shining in the window, and wondered what sort of hurricane hit.

There were arrows everywhere. Embedded in the cupboards, broken across the floor, one dangling from a window curtain.

"Everything's good?" he asked conversationally.

Mia, sitting on the floor with her back to a cupboard, smiled tightly and nodded.

The cupboard tried to open itself.

She scrabbled against the floor again.

"So . . . what's in there?" Oliver asked, leaning against his longbow, ankles crossed.

Both men regarded her steadily.

Mia kept the rigid smile in place. "I don't know what you mean." The cupboard tried to open again.

Conner glanced at his father. His father glanced back. Then they both turned to stare a Mia.

"Oh, fine!" Mia exploded, blood rushing to her face as if the admission was enough to release her stranglehold on it. "If you must know, I invited a friend over, only it turned out she was evil and she tried to make a giant cat to eat us all. I managed to stop her and the cops picked her up, but, damn it, she was able to cast this giant-growing-things spell and now--and now--" her face crinkled as the cupboard shoved against her once more. "Now we have a giant beetle in the house!"

Conner rubbed the bridge of his nose, then turned to look at Oliver.

The man looked pained. He opened his mouth, closed it, shook his head, took a deep breath, and opened his mouth again. This time, he spoke. "Ignoring the rest of everything that apparently happened today . . . how big is this giant beetle?"

"Giant," Mia snapped.

"As big as a person?"

"As big as a child," Mia said, then yelped when the bug shoved hard enough to scoot her away. Her feet slipped and slid, and she pushed back against the cupboard.

"All right," Oliver said, straightening up tiredly and drawing an arrow. He knocked it, aimed, and said, "Move away."

"That won't work!" Mia shouted. "I already tried!"

Given the number of arrows all over, she'd tried a lot. Conner frowned and scratched his chin. Maybe a giant flyswatter. Too bad Kyle wasn't around.

"Just move, Mia! I've had a long night and I don’t want to spend the rest of it here!" Oliver answered.

"Fine! You try!" Mia snarled back, and lunged away from the cupboard.

It opened. A bug easily three feet long came zipping across the floor.

"Crap!" Conner yelped, leaping up onto the counter--where Mia already was. "It's as big as a Labrador!"

"I know, Mia said, sounding terribly self-satisfied.

"I've got it! I've got it!" Oliver shouted, and loosed an arrow.

It struck the carapace and ricocheted off, burying itself in the dish towel hanging from the refrigerator.

"Close the kitchen door!" Oliver shouted as the bug made for it.

Conner kicked out, and the door slammed shut.

The bug chittered.

"I thought they only did that in bad horror movies," Mia grumbled.

"Is it just me, or does that look like a cockroach?" Conner asked.

"We don't have cockroaches," Oliver barked instantly.

Mia only nodded, agreeing with Conner.

It faced Oliver and chittered some more.

"I think it's swearing at you," Mia said.

"You're not helping," Oliver muttered, circling slowly.

It moved, too, facing him the whole time. An antenna twitched.

"Okay, that's just gross," Conner muttered.

Mia nodded.

"Here goes," Oliver said, and fired again.

The arrow hit the ground, bounced up, and would have struck the hopefully soft flesh of the creature's belly--except the creature moved. The arrow imbedded itself in the ceiling.

"Well done," Mia said.

Conner sighed, safe on his perch on the counter. "I think we need a professional."

"Who's more professional than us?" Oliver asked.

"An exterminator."

Oliver just glared at him.

"I'm just suggesting . . . " Conner trailed off, peering down at the floor. "Where'd it go?"

"It's coming this way!" Mia screamed, jumping to her feet and nearly bashing her head on the ceiling.

"What do you mean, it's coming--oh, crap!" Conner yelped, leaping off the counter as the bug scrabbled up the side and onto the top.

Mia squealed and bounded into the sink, from there jumping into the window.

The bug stopped. It looked at them, one at a time. Then it fluttered its shell up, exposing wings.

"AAAGGGHHH!" Mia and Conner bellowed as one.

"It's just a bug!" Oliver shouted.

"It's fucking huge!" Mia screamed.

"Language, young la--" Oliver started to say, but stopped when he let out a bellow of his own, dropping his bow and ducking, hands over his head, as the bug jumped at him.

"Retreat! Retreat!" Mia shouted.

Conner was through the kitchen doors even before she was. He snatched up the phone, looking around frantically for the phone book.

"What are you doing?" Mia asked between pants.

"Calling the exterminator."

Oliver came barreling through the kitchen doors without either bow or arrows, slapping at his clothes and yelping in short bursts. When he finally finished, he looked up at them. "What are you doing?"

"Calling the exterminator," Conner repeated.

"No exterminators! We can do this!" Oliver snapped, grabbing the phone book and putting it behind his back. "We're Justice Leaguer's, for Gods sake! I think we can handle one giant bug!"

"Probably, but I'm secure enough in my masculinity to admit it grosses me out!" Conner snapped back. "I'm calling an exterminator!"

"I can handle this!" Oliver snapped.

"Fine," Mia said quietly. "You handle it."

They all stared at each other, shooting glares. Conner took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and tried to gather some sort of calm. He could *feel* Mia and his father still glaring at each other. "All right. What do we need?"

"Fire arrows."

Conner nodded slowly and turned to look at Mia. "Do you have any upstairs?"

"Yeah," she said reluctantly.

"Go get them," Oliver said.

Mia trudged out of sight.

The two men stood there looking at each other. Conner cracked a smile. "Giant bug."

Oliver laughed and shook his head. "Figures."

A moment later Mia returned, a sack of fire arrows in hand.

"All right," Oliver said, using Conner's bow and knocking an arrow. "Here's the plan. You open the door. Mia, make sure it doesn't escape. I'll shoot it."

They took up careful positions, and slowly Conner opened the door.

They could hear it chittering.

"Here it comes!" Mia shrieked.

Conner tried not to look. He heard Oliver fire off the flaming arrows, and then the man was shouting, "Close! Close!"

Conner slammed the door closed.

There was a moment of silence. "Did we get it?" he asked.

Mia shook her head.

"Try again," Oliver ground out.

After repeating the process with all of the fire arrows, Oliver finally admitted defeat. "But you know what?" he said as they sat around the kitchen doorway, Mia and Conner cross-legged on the floor, Oliver straddling a chair. "I bet poison arrows would work."

Conner stared at the man, then finally stood and went to get poison arrows.

"All I could find were the liquid ones," he said, returning a moment later.

"That's fine," Oliver muttered, taking them. "I'll just have to hit it dead-on."

"Plllleeeeease kill it this time," Mia nearly whimpered. "This is so sick."

"Maybe this will teach you not to let evil sorceresses into our house," Oliver said firmly.

Conner and Mia just exchanged annoyed looks.

"All right," Oliver said, aiming at the closed door. "Open it."

Conner took a deep breath and opened the door.

Oliver shot. There was the shatter of glass, and a screech. Conner slammed the door closed again, leaning against it. He looked at Oliver hopefully.

"Do you hear it?" Mia whispered.

They were all silent, listening. Then they heard it chitter.

"Damn," Oliver sighed. "Open the door again."

It was the fifth one that finally did it. That, or the fact that the entire floor was covered in liquid poison.

"I think we drowned it," Mia muttered.

"Yeah," Conner agreed, using his bow to scratch behind his ear. He surveyed the kitchen, smeared with scorch marks and poison, the bug curled up in one corner.

"I've thought of a problem with our plan," Mia said, crouched just outside the door with the rest of them.

"Oh?" Oliver asked.

"Yeah. How are we going to get into the kitchen?"

They all looked at the poison-covered floor.

"Huh," Oliver said. "I'm pretty sure I have an antidote we can use around here somewhere . . . "

Conner sighed. Some mornings, it just wasn't worth getting up.

--end

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