Coffee finished, Kyle rinsed the cup and put it in the sink, and walked away. Up the stairs.

Surreal moment of the day past, Mia went back to her Trig.

The search and sweep for Kyle ended pretty much as quickly as it began since he was in the first room Connor checked; his own. Sound asleep, blankets up to his chin, in Connor's bed. He also snored, quietly, but that was definitely a snore. He was drooling on the pillow and there was already a wet spot, vaguely the shape of Texas.

At least he was verifiably alive.

This was a very good thing in Connor's opinion since the night had been extremely long and extremely busy. Dealing with a dead person in his bed, which normally would have upset him quite a bit, now only seemed like a great inconvenience that would keep him from sleep.

So, Kyle had drunk a cup of coffee and then went to sleep? Strange, not in the least because he was doing it in someone else's house. Alien possession, time warp? Who was to say? Only one person and he wouldn't be talking until he was awake and as tired as Connor was, he still couldn't just dump Kyle out of his bed and resume command of it. He had to find out why Kyle was sleeping there instead of, say, his own bed where he could drool on his own pillowcases. Helping people in situations like this was in the superhero handbook somewhere, Connor was sure of it, so help him he would. Then he could dump Kyle out of his bed, and possibly make him change the sheets.

Unless it was the alien possession thing. After stuff like that, it was usually kinder to let the person go home and deal with it in whatever ice cream/shower combination seemed best.

"I -- is this your bed?"

"Yes, which is sort of why I'm surprised that you're in it." A thought occurred to him, one that had to be shared. "It's probably a good thing that you're here and not in bed with my father. He sleeps in this house too, you know."

"Oh, my God." Kyle buried his face in his hands. "Please, never make me think anything like that again."

If it wasn't the alien possession thing then a little added torture wouldn't hurt. It was the advantage of most people believing in the goodness of your heart; they never suspected you to gleefully twist the knife. "Most people think my father is quite attractive. In fact—"

"All she said was that you had coffee. In your underwear."

"You know, once upon a time this all would have seemed strange to me," Kyle said, to no one in particular. Possibly the blankets since that was where he was looking. "Once waking up in someone else's bed would have just meant one too many whiskey sours and now…okay, this is still strange to me. We're going to have to consult an expert, Connor."

"They have experts on this?"

"In the JLA, they have experts on everything. But first, could I borrow some pants?" Kyle asked sheepishly.

"What's wrong with your uniform? Don't you use your ring for that?"

Kyle looked at him.

"It's just, when I loan clothes to other people, I tend not to get them back," he tried.

The look continued, with the addition of an eyebrow being raised. All right, so that didn't quite sound right and adding that Roy sometimes raided his wardrobe was only going to make it that much worse. There was really no reason to inspire yet another conversation about his sexuality and he hadn't had any coffee.

Finally, the look eased back and Connor sighed in relief, only for Kyle to ask, "So you're objecting to me wearing pants?"

"No! I just -- Never mind. Pants. Right." Kyle is my friend, Connor reminded himself firmly. A very good friend and I know where he is staying so I can always get them back myself.

"Shirt?"

Connor wondered if this was how super villains began. It probably started with something simple just like this, a friend or two borrowing clothes and then they realized none of them ever returned them, or when they did they didn't wash them and the neck was all stretched out and there was a stain the size of small country on the back that looked exactly like something that would never wash out, and doesn't anyone in the known world know how to use a stain stick for ONCE and –

It was possible that he really needed to sleep.

Shuffling through his closet turned up a t-shirt that was actually Roy's and his level of fiendishness rose when he gave it to Kyle. He was really going to have to keep an eye on his evil ratio the next few days, lest he tip over into clothing deprived supervillain-hood.

"Kyle?" he whispered and immediately felt stupid. Like a sleeping person was going to answer him. Who else did he know was having bed hopping issues that had nothing to do with sex? Surely J'onn would have mentioned if there was a sudden rash of superheroes wandering into alternate beds at night. A brief flashing thought of Superman sneaking into Batman's bed was enough to wake him up completely.

"Oh, you're wearing pants," Mia said, disappointed, when Kyle hesitantly stepped into the kitchen. Connor did not look up, keeping his interest completely on his whole-grain cereal. His father was behind him, making some sort of god awful chili and egg monstrosity that Connor had no intention of warning Kyle about.

A failed attempt at meditation and a cold shower hadn't given him much perspective yet this morning.

"No problem, kid," Ollie said gruffly. He slapped Kyle on the back and shoved a plate of dubious chili-eggs in front of him. "Eat up, plenty more where that came from."

Connor still didn't feel much like talking but he wasn't completely cruel. He did get Kyle a glass of milk before he tasted the eggs.

He was a hero, after all.

He knew fear but he was not ruled by it.

Until now.

Connor sat on the floor and stared at his bed.

He'd been thinking about it for the past twenty minutes and so far, he knew this. On one hand, he was very tired and hadn't had a decent night's sleep in several days. So he needed to rest. On the other, any rest he was likely to get would was quite possibly going to be interrupted by the flying Lothario presently on the moon.

It was a dilemma.

Unless…he didn't sleep in this bed. Connor slapped his forehead and groaned. Of course, a guest room! It wasn't like the house didn't have a couple of other rooms to sleep in. At this point, he'd curl up on the floor in the basement if it would give him some sack time.

Oh, yeah. Batman had nothing on him.

He was going to lay here very still and very quiet, and any moment now he was going to wake up and find he had not just had the equivalent of sex with his friend while the man was asleep.

Any minute now.

Any minute.

People had been trying to drag him out of a closet he'd never even known existed ever since he left the monastery and some part of him just really didn't want to hear a few dozen, "I knew it!'s from around the world. There was enough outside interest in the state of his homo/heterosexuality for Connor to know he didn't want to talk about it again. Ever.

The last of the ice cream found its proper owner and the dishes were already stacking up. Nothing left now but to clean up. "Can you take the trash to the back?"

"Absolutely not," Kyle said, so fervently that Connor blinked. "I tried that at the house and I was actually afraid for my life when Ollie saw where I put the plastic wrap. He said I ruined his system and I tainted his universe or something, and it was forever soiled, so I'd just as soon never lay a fingernail on his 'system' again."

It was possible he was expecting too much out of his meditating skills to hope they'd help him resolve this issue, Connor decided. Though it wasn't like any of the monks had given him any tips on how to focus his thoughts on sex and Connor wasn't entirely sure he knew anyone he could ask about it. He and Nightwing weren't really that good of friends.

"Oh, yeah?" Mia grunted, flipping over to work on her quads. "So how do you handle the hordes of New York?"

A faint green light came from Kyle's hand and Mia was abruptly suspended in a air atop a large glowing throne. Four large, green skinned men in loincloths that each bore a startling resemblance to Superman were at the corners, holding her up.

Connor finally looked up from the book he was pretending to read, just in time to see another flare of green. A crown appeared on Mia's head, tilted in a rakish angle. The Superman clones glistened with sweat as they marched slowly around the room. "Nice attention to detail."

"Thanks."

"Please stop molesting the underage set with your brain, Green Lantern," Ollie said, sparing them a glance.

Anything to get away from Kyle's bare feet and half-naked constructs. Bad enough he was thinking terrible, wrong things about Kyle. If he started lusting after Superman he was going to have to just die. Maybe he could be reincarnated as someone whose life made sense from time to time. It would be a nice change.

Condoms and lubricant would be a perfectly normal purchase. If he did meet the right woman someday he'd need to be prepared, otherwise he'd be raiding the stash in his father's room and just the thought of that would make sure sex never happened.

He'd just had no idea that there was such a selection to choose from. How did people ever manage to have sex? Colored, textured, flavored? He wasn't aware that people would want to taste a condom.

Against his will, his brain chose to flutter back to that morning and Connor shifted uncomfortably. Okay, he supposed he could see why someone would want them to taste decently.

But what about those ones, ribbed for her pleasure? Did they even make ribbed for his pleasure – stop, Connor. Don't even think it.

Warming? Wasn't it warm enough, it had seemed pretty – stop it. Speedstrip? He'd always thought people wanted sex to last longer and he sure knew why – knock it off and just keep walking down the aisle…did that box say glow in the dark?

"Did you need help, sir?"

Connor's central nervous system made a fairly decent try of jumping out through his skin.

He opened the front door to find Kyle on the doorstep with an overnight bag over his shoulder and his jeans were tight enough in just the right places and he was wearing a tank-top, and all of the banished thoughts came winging right back into Connor's brain. And they brought friends.

He followed Kyle into the living room and watched him commandeer the most comfortable section of the sofa. But that was just fine, because Connor could sit in one of the other chairs. Far away. Before his brain attacked again.

"Yeah, um, I was going to go to a couple of bookstores." Just stay calm, do not think of the spandex and all will be well. "They get new stock in today."

"They really do," Connor agreed. "Roy came with me [to the bookstores] once but he didn't really enjoy it as much."

"There's a surprise. Let me guess, he made you go to a strip club after." Connor choked on his tea. Wide green eyes appeared around the corner as Kyle looked at him in disbelief. "He did, didn't he. Oh, my God, he totally did! He took you to a strip club?"

"So?" Connor said defensively, scrunching down in his chair. "Maybe I like strip clubs."

"Connor, I wasn't even there and I know exactly what you did. You drank club soda and tried not to look at anything that jiggled. "

Ouch, and he thought Roy was accurate. Still, here he was, thinking of his friend in a new, broadminded manner and Kyle went right for the squeamish Connor ploy. It didn't matter if he was right, could someone at least think for a moment he might enjoy breasts?

"How do you know?" Connor demanded. "Maybe I was tucking bills with the best of them. Maybe I go to the strip clubs every night and…and unload a wad of cash! Maybe I'm an addict and I need to go to a meeting, because I. Like. GIRLS!"

The bookstore was eerily silent. Connor realized that most of the patrons were either concentrating on their books so fiercely they seemed on the verge of igniting the pages or unabashedly staring at them. Or rather, him.

Kyle grinned at him and shrugged. "Thanks for clearing that up for us, pal."

*

10:07 pm

Connor unlocked the front door in silence and Kyle followed him in much the same way into the living room. Without a single word, Connor tossed the bag with his new books on a side table and half a dozen strips of paper into the trash can beside it. Kyle stooped to rescued one of them and neatly tucked it into one of the books like a bookmark.

"At least call the redhead, she was pretty."

"She was a therapist and she told me the first part of dealing with a problem was admitting you had one."

Kyle winced. "Oh, sorry."

"I hate you. It's very important to me that you know that."

Connor sighed. He really was gay. Roy was going to laugh so hard.

"You don't have to be gay just to sleep with a guy," Kyle snapped.

"You — you do so, I'm sure you do! That's completely what sleeping with another guy means! It means you're gay. I should know, I practically have people stuffing rainbow bumper stickers in my pants!"

He was sleeping with his father's best friend's boyfriend; his first sort-of relationship was already a love triangle. The universe must be laughing its ass off by now.

Kyle was, without question, a complete jerk. Which was why he was upstairs sleeping while Connor was stuck explaining his newfound gayness to his immediate family. Just wait until Kyle decided to tell his mom, Connor was going park his butt on the sofa here and not move…unless Kyle used his ring. Damn.

Such a jerk.

"But you're not gay, just sleeping with Kyle."

"I…guess so." He did still think breasts were a very good thing.

"Do you think that counts?" To Mia.

"I'd say as long as they're together, it does."

"Good, good." Ollie pulled a notebook out of his back pocket. "I'd say that I am owed at least five hundred bucks, if not more."

Mia flipped through the book, "Ollie, don't tell me you never asked the Titans."

"That was YOUR gig, you didn't get odds on it for them?"

"I got MY Titans, I didn't go after the whole past yearbook crew!"

Connor sighed. Yes, this was his family. "Fine, I'm going upstairs to have sex and you guys can keep whoring out my preferences to your friends."

"You do that, son," Ollie said absently, then louder. "But only with Kyle!"

Six days, Seven Nights by Keelywolf

“The time has come for us to renounce our wild, bachelor ways and find the special someone with which we shall spend our Autumnal days! And perhaps even to have offspring whom we shall raise as the next flower of Konoha youth!”

Kakashi was so busy trying not to picture Gai having any sort of wild, bachelor ways that the latter part of that statement took a minute to register.

The Autumn of Our Virility by WinterOfOurDiscontent

Hatake Kakashi, the famous copy-nin Sharingan Kakashi, was a damn good ninja.

He didn’t usually think about it, any more than he bothered to remember that his hair was silver. It just was. He might occasionally mentally note the colour when brushing his teeth in the morning… and similarly, occasionally when Maito Gai was telling him how “cool and hip” he was, a stray “Damn straight” might have crossed his mind.

But you didn’t go around thinking that all the time. For one thing, such an attitude was likely to get you killed. The “I rock,” not the “Hey, look, silver.”

So while Kakashi knew himself to be one of the best ninja in the village, he didn’t think too much on it.

But he’d be the first to admit it had its advantages.

For instance, it allowed him to indulge his infatuation with Umino Iruka completely undetected.

It made him feel twelve. And considering that when he’d actually been twelve, he’d felt about thirty, that was saying something. He hadn’t actually felt twelve since he’d been about six.

Ninja lead very complicated lives.

It was infantile. At this rate he’d be sending Iruka kunai [daggers] with notes attached. ‘Do you like me? Circle yes or no.’

So… Iruka [the teacher] rubbed the scar on the bridge of his nose thoughtfully… pretend Kakashi was a particularly difficult and disruptive student. What did you do?

First, you ignored them.

Screw that. It was driving him nuts, even if he’d never admit it. Besides, you ignored such behavior if you thought it was a cry for attention, which this wasn’t. Kakashi probably didn’t even realize he’d been found out [that he was stalking Iruka].

So on to step two: attempt to direct the student’s energies into more productive channels.

***

Kakashi was very surprised to find a copy of Origami for Beginners on his doorstep.

He never bothered to do anything but brush it, but somehow his hair, like him, had developed a unique set of properties that made perfect sense from the inside while remaining incomprehensible to anyone else.

It couldn’t hurt to read the book. A properly folded piece of paper would probably make a handy yet unexpected weapon. Or the next time Gai-sensei forced a competition, he could suggest it involve crafting paper cranes.

But [stalking Iruka] was still a harmless hobby. Iruka couldn’t mind because he didn’t know, Kakashi wasn’t any more inattentive or late than he always was, and surely it was worth continuing for the fillip of joy it added to an otherwise potentially mundane day?

Besides, it was a mission. An unofficial mission, perhaps, but he took all his missions seriously.

Well, most of them.

Well, some of them.

“Well… eh…” he’d forgotten how much energy it took to speak with Gai-sensei. Okay, stall while you figure out how to ask about Kakashi-sensei. “I see you’re teaching your team origami.” Which, frankly, had struck him as a little odd. As did the band-aids covering Gai’s hands.

Gai suddenly became more serious. “Ah, yes. You see, yesterday, I challenged my eternal rival Kakashi-san to another duel. He told me he was leaving on a mission and did not have time, but if I liked, we could battle when he got back. And because it was his turn to choose, he told me we would have a stirring test of our manual dexterity by… seeing WHO COULD FOLD THE MOST PAPER CRANES IN A TEN MINUTE PERIOD!”

“Well, he…” has been stalking me for a couple of weeks now. It sounded silly when he tried to say it out loud, even if he knew it was true. “… you aren’t in the middle of a competition to see who can best stalk someone, are you?”

If Gai rubbed his chin any more thoughtfully, it was going to come off. “No, though it is an intriguing notion. To show off our stealth abilities in such a manner…”

Gai-sensei was a jounin level ninja, so he must have had stealth abilities. Must have. Really. Even if a universe in which Gai could actually be sneaky must be such a terrifying place that it hurt Iruka’s head to try to contemplate it.

“No, no, really, I don’t think it’s a great way to battle. Have you considered bonsai?” Surely they couldn’t turn bonsai into something horrible, violent, and dangerous. Not even Gai and Kakashi.

Gai had, quite reasonably, asked him who Kakashi had been following. Iruka, quite reasonably, declined to let on that it was himself, and said instead that he had a friend. Whom Gai-sensei definitely did not know. Who might, perhaps, sort of think that Kakashi-sensei had been watching them. Gai had then pressed for details about the person, about whether they were a nin, what rank, and if they were cute.

The last question had caused Iruka to turn a strange colour and ask what that had to do with anything.

After Gai’s answer had caused Iruka to turn yet another colour, Iruka had made his excuses and hastily left. Perhaps talking to Gai-sensei first had not been the wisest choice.

For instance, that brush that Sasuke was industriously searching through. The seemingly innocuous dark green shrubbery was capable of causing a rather nasty allergic reaction.

Hm. [Kakashi] felt sure he’d mentioned that during the briefing.

And now, peering down from his perch in the trees, he could see Naruto yelling something at Sasuke about finding it first.

Sasuke said something back about Naruto never being first at anything.

Naruto then dashed over to the brush near Sasuke to begin enthusiastically attacking it in his quest for the earring.

And now Sakura, sensing a chance to be near Sasuke, was over in the brush as well…

Oh, right. That had been the part of the briefing they’d all been too busy arguing to pay attention to.

Ah well. Everything is a learning experience. Including not being able to sit for forty-eight hours while you wait for the swelling to die down.

He chucked a few more shuriken their way for good measure.

“The only way it would be in an area we’d already looked would be if…” She trailed off, thoughtful. “If you’d already found it, and then put it there!” She ran over to the bushes indicated and began frantically ripping through them. The boys joined her a few seconds later.

“Now, now, would I do something like that?” Kakashi said, his hands held up in front of him.

“Yes!” The three students yelled as they continued searching. He could feel their combined murderous intent radiating towards him. It was kind of cute.

If asked, most ninja will tell you they prefer traveling on rooftops because it is faster, stealthier, and generally more efficient. This, of course, is true. But if asked repeatedly… with katana at throat, preferably after a long torture session… not that we condone torture, but if you were to do so… they might have admitted that frankly, it was just really cool to travel via rooftop.

Today, however, the very day after their last battle, Gai had stumbled upon [Kakashi] right out in the open, reading a little orange book, and looking supremely nonchalant. (Both of them being high level ninja, "out in the open" meant Kakashi wasn't underwater, underground, or out of the country.) Kakashi-sensei had said something about watching his genin scratch themselves only being funny for the first couple of days before Gai had once again given up trying to understand Kakashi and just challenged him.

And then Iruka-sensei wandered off, looking dazed and muttering something about crazy jounins and getting ready, and then Gai won the challenge, though it really wasn’t much of a challenge. His rival the copy-nin [Kakashi] had ignored all rules of traditional bonsai trimming and asymmetry and had instead just trimmed his tree into a heart shape.

Though Gai had to admit that the detailing of the heart, especially the left ventricle, was nothing short of MAGNIFICENT.

Unfortunately, a glance at the clock revealed he’d been left with that frustrating amount of time too long to do nothing but not long enough to do anything. Of course, he couldn’t blame that on Kakashi…no, wait… give it a minute… thinking…ignoring laws of causality… damn Kakashi.

The thing of it was… Kakashi shifted slightly in his seat in a vain attempt to get more comfortable… he honestly couldn’t tell. Iruka had agreed to go out a date with him… that was good… but he’d been sort of badgered into it… which was bad… but he was having a good time, which was good… but that didn’t necessarily mean he liked Kakashi too, which was bad…

Killing people was a lot more straightforward than actually dealing with them.

All from Outclassed by WinterOfOurDiscontent

Happiness is a Rolo ice cream cone, earned by surviving a wet park full of swarms of bugs. It also includes not feeling sad that one's imaginary friend is gone temporarily. And happiness is surprising in how other things bring it out.

For example, happiness is rescuing earth worms from puddles because one had heard that they bloat up and drown if the water is too deep, and seeing one bloated body on CSI already, is enough for a day. Happiness is when one realizes that holding earthworms is kinda cool, and there are so many to avoid stepping on.

Happiness is dawn where the black clouds are fronted by white clouds, and it's enough to change the colour of one's eyes for just staring. There's a certain satisfaction in not having a mirror to disprove this.

From Stacy's livejournal.

Lady Shiva tilts her head, and when she speaks, not only is there no fear, but she sounds more in charge of things than he does. "Why did you grab me?"

"Um, well, I didn't remember you at first, but then I realized who you were because you were mentioned in one of our briefings at Titans Tower. I tend to snooze my way through those, but there was a hot babe on the screen, so I listened to that one."

Kon feels the blood drain from his face. Somewhere in the distance, he could swear he can almost hear his guardian angel wailing in despair at having a charge dumb enough to grope the world's deadliest assassin's boob and then call her a hot babe to her face. Quickly, he tries to segue and ends up babbling like Bart at his worst.

"Anyway, so I kinda came here to patch things up with ..." He hesitates a second, then realizes that if she's here, she knows Tim's real name too. "Tim. I mean, I didn't take too kindly to his retiring - though he did do it in a very assy way - and I came here to see if we could talk things out. As much as his decision pisses me off, I know the decision isn't about me; it's about him, so I wanted to tell him that I got that and that even if he's still mad at me, I'm not mad at him anymore. Anyway, that's why I'm here."

"You didn't answer my question."

Kon thinks she sounds like the world's scariest schoolteacher. He shuffles in embarrassment.

"I saw you creeping through his stepmom's azaleas, and I thought: Superboy, the world's deadliest killer is skulking around Tim's house: do something. And I did."

"I see."

And it was bad enough to know how stupid the plan was, but to see Lady Shiva look at him like he was the tragic result of some kind of hero outreach program for dumb metas wasn't helping any.

"Um, yeah. So, what brings you here?"

"Tim."

"I didn't realize you knew him. I mean, other than in an 'I kick Batman's ass occasionally so I've seen his sidekick around' capacity."

"I trained him."

Kon's eyes widen in horrified realization. "Man, that explains so much. I so need to get myself an evil mentor too." Lady Shiva gives him a look and Kon blushes. "I mean that in the 'not so evil but really really cool' kind of way. Please don't kill me."

Home is Where the Heart Is by CCCarioca

"so. Petal Blossom is a sign of the coming Ohio apocalypse, is it?" Kon said, holding up a package with a gaily coloured plastic pony inside.

"You gotta invert the symbol and you'll see! It was in this really dusty book in the library that sortagotdamagedbutIpaidforitlateranyway.It'sasymbolofthearavagerwhocomesforou---"

"That's nice, Bart. It's kinda cute. Do you think Cass would like it?"

"You're missing the point!" Bart wailed. Behind him, a row of ponies glowed ominously.

"You're right. I should get her something that says 'I respect you, but I also respect your femininity and your need for extra accessories'," said Kon as he leaned down to peruse a shelf. "How's this one? It has a little raincoat."

"...I'm going back to sleep. I had two Cassies in there."

Bart twitched.

"Is there really pink elephants in the room?" Kon asked dreamily.

A pair of yellow eyes and far too much messy brown hair appeared over his face. "Are you hallucinating? Are you dying? DO YOU SEE A BRIGHT WHITE LIGHT? Stay away from it!"

"...wow you're pretty. Have I mentioned this?" slurred Kon, reaching up for Bart's face.

"Yes. The last few times you were drugged and incoherent," Bart said and vibrated. "Are you better yet? We have to break free and save the great state of Ohio."

"What did you do those other times?"

"I told Robin you were talking about him."

"...oh you little basta--"

"You are better! Please let go of my throat!"

Kon squeezed. Bart squeaked. The room filled with gas again.

"No. I think I can break open the door, actually. I've been testing it while you plotted your suicide. Being in a bunnysuit isn't the end of the world, you know."

"It's very drafty, okay. And you're going to tell Robin and Wonder Girl."

"Of course I am. And Cyborg and Beast Boy. But that's not the point. ..."

"Oh, Robin? Kon got drugged and said you were pretty again."

"Great." Robin didn't even look up from his computer.

"I did not! I said you were! I always have!"

There was a pause.

"When I'm suffering from delusions and drugs and possibly head injuries, of course."

The pause continued.

"I hate everyone in the whole world right now."

Robin subtly slid away from him.

All from Saving Ohio by Rosencrantz

Hank snaffled the waggling letter deftly from Bobby's fingers and quickly scanned it. 'Oh,' he said. 'The IRS want to do an audit on the school's books. That will be - inconvenient.'

'Inconvenient?' Bobby said hoarsely and sank into a chair, his head in his hands. He moaned for a few moments and then pulled himself together. 'They want records, Hank. They want *records*!'

'Well, we have records.' He looked at Bobby's face. 'Don't we?' said Hank, rather timidly.

'You remember all those times the Mansion got destroyed? Like five or six times in the last few years? Where do you think the records were?' He buried his face in his hands again and started moaning again. 'I know I shouldn't have let the Professor persuade me that we could claim the cost of re-building the mansion each time. I know I should have kept the records at the bank. I couldn't sleep. Every April, I couldn't sleep. All sweaty with the fear and the terror. They're going to ruin me. They'll disbar me. Ban me. They'll take away my license. They'll take away my degree. They'll take away my *birthday*.'

'Broke in here, 'bout t'ree weeks ago,' replied Remy casually, shutting the window behind them.

'You broke into the IRS?' asked Bobby, incredulous. 'What for?'

Remy shrugged. 'Practice,' he said.

'Practice?' Bobby nearly strangled on the word.

'Well, okay, fun,' replied the thief.

Kitty said casually, 'Must have been about the same time I broke into the database.'

Remy looked at her. 'Practice?' he asked.

'Fun,' she replied. The thief and the hacker grinned at each other.

The accountant waved his hands in despair behind them. 'You people are really weird,' he said and followed them further into the building.

--Both from "The Accountancy Blues by Amanda Sichter--

"...Sounds exciting as hell," Julio added dryly, "and Madre de Dios! That's Northstar!"

"He is leering at me," Shatterstar replied calmly.

Julio's look of awe became slightly more hardened as he clearly sent out don't-mess-with-my-man vibes. "Bastard. I always heard he was a jerk, you know, so he better stay away from you or I'm going to have to assert my alpha-maleness."

"Julio, I do not think you have alpha-maleness."

"Shut up."

--Live-Action Porno by Tangerine (NC-17)--

So. He takes a second to think. And... after a second his throat gets tight, and he realizes that sometimes he can be dumber than even *he* knew. Because, yeah. It's *Bart*, so of course he was always the cutest damn thing in any given *country.* Even with Cassie and Cissie and Greta on the team-- *still* the fucking cutest. And yeah, *Bart*, always the youngest, too. So you had to look *out* for him, had to take care of him, had to tell him baby powder wasn't really made of babies and there weren't alligators in the sewers under Gotham and why it wasn't such a good idea to stick pennies in light sockets even if you *are* faster than your average electron.

Had to always make sure *someone* on the team was carrying snack cakes. (Hey, as long as Cissie was carrying that quiver-- and when did they ever need that stupid bubble-bomb arrow anyway, right?) Had to defend him to the jerks who thought 'Impulse' was all there was to the little guy.

And not just because he was one of the guys. Not just because he was on the team. Because... he was *Bart*.

----"And Burn the Pheonix" by Livia

But... how *do* you go about asking a guy how his Bat-related anal-retentiveness is coming along? [Dick] looks at Tim.

"Aw, man, this isn't going to be one of those serious talks, is it? Because I swear to God, my angst is at normal, baseline teenaged levels."

"Anyway, yeah, like I was saying, I don't really get the whole girlfriend thing."

"What's to *get*? Curves, Tim. *Curves*."

"And I can appreciate that. I'm a red-blooded American male, and I can freely admit to my firm belief that breasts are a wonderful idea, *but*."

--Dick and Tim, both scenes from Lateral Stresses by Te-- [R or NC 17 or somesuch]

"Neither do I." The voice came from the doorway. Bobby jumped -- he hadn't noticed the door open. Cadran was standing there, his face twisting with disgust and confusion as he regarded Bobby. Skirrow and another guard slipped in behind him and took up positions in the corners of the room. "The X-Men's operations aren't usually so ill-advised."

"You obviously haven't seen them operate," Magneto replied sardonically just as Bobby snorted derisively.

"I was going through your files," Cadran replied, vaguely puzzled, "and they do seem to usually come out on top."

"Through no fault of our own," sighed Bobby. Magneto made a noise that sounded suspiciously like a laugh.

"For some reason, people go around trying to kill me, and hurt me, and hurt everyone I care about. Why do they do it? Why? Why why why why?"

"To shut you up, perhaps?" offered Magneto.

"Never mind," said Bobby, crossing his arms. "You just go on with your thinking and pacing and stuff. Don't mind me. I'll just sit here. It's my special talent, sitting around doing nothing."

Magneto looked slightly amused. "What do you think sulking at me will accomplish? I'm not your father."

"Apparently not. Sulking just pissed him off."

"Then your father and I have one thing in common."

"No. He found my pain annoying, but you find it funny." Apparently Magneto was no longer listening. Bobby stuck out his lower lip and sulked harder. "If I was Rogue, you wouldn't be mean to me when I sulked."

"If you were Rogue, you wouldn't be half as annoying."

"Of course, I'm not half as cute as Rogue when she sulks, either."

Magneto's teeth clenched. "Would you please shut up?"

Bobby couldn't help what he did next. Some things were just too deeply ingrained in human nature. He stuck out his tongue and said, "Make me."

--Both from Break Through by Kassia (PG or PG-13, for violence and language and stuff.)

Unless they just assumed that the whole of Alpha Flight had gotten hit with Big Gay Photon Rays. Huge ones. In lavender. And Heather and Aurora would have hot, sweaty, cyborg lunatic lesbo sex. Wow, would they have a lot of sex.

Lots and lots of sex. In public. Yeah. Because it would be... there'd be aliens making them do it. Or Magneto. And Jean-Paul would leap to save them, promising to fuck the *hell* out of Walterbear in their place, but Walterbear would be in the lab saving lives and also naked and it would have to be Kyle.

Because Puck and Wolverine had finally declared their unspoken love.

So, there are Kyle and Jean-Paul, stripping down to the howls of millions across the world, only the howls won't be for them because Aurora and Heather are having incredibly hot lesbo sex but that's OK because when Jean-Paul gets one look at his mighty, manly, man-tool --

"Kyle!"

Kyle blinks, shakes himself, attempts to stand up and falls right back on his ass. Ooofs as Puck stands on his chest. "Wha?"

"You, my friend, are shitfaced."

And then jumps off and walks away.

--Stellar by Janete. It made me laugh. A lot. And cry. But that was becasue of the laughter. (Kyle, by the way, the narrator--is drunk. Very.) (Also, R. I'm happily working my way through the archive. Can you tell?) (And, dude, 'mighty, manly, man-tool' just makes me crack up every time I read it.)

"Where'd the girls go?"

Sam says, "They decided they were gonna sleep together to keep warm. Ah think they're consolidatin' blankets."

Suuuure. That's exactly what they're doing. They're cuddling and he knows it. *Knows* it. All that soft, warm, soft and warmness. And maybe more than cuddling. Maybe hot, sweaty sex so they'll have to get even closer later to avoid exposing any damp bits to cold air.

Damn it.

Bundling by Te and Jane St. Clair (aka Janete). Slash. And also, I recommend reading it. Had to excersize serious self-control in not just putting half the freakin' fic up here. (Also again, this is NC-17 in case, y'know, that bothers. Or you're under 18. Riiiiight. Like you'll stop because you're under 18.)

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