Iruka is killing him with kindness.

He'd come home from another A class mission in a string of... four? five? seven? Somewhere in there he'd quit counting them. The number didn't matter, really... just that there was always another mission, more mud and more death. He'd been on them for almost long enough to force himself into a mindless, almost meditative state, and to push his thoughts away from his failure with Team Seven.

He'd made a better Anbu than a jounin-sensei, anyway.

He'd been in the mission room... and it had been late at night, only himself and a startled Umino Iruka staring across the desk at him. He'd forgotten that he hadn't bothered to shower or change and was covered in a blackish-brown substance that wasn't blood or dirt but some combination of both of them.

And Iruka had looked at him with something in his eyes, and had reached out across the desk to put his hand over Kakashi's. And Kakashi had flinched at the first human contact he'd had in a very long time that wasn't trying to kill him. And then, maybe it was the look in Iruka's eyes or the contact or it was just damn time, but something broke inside of Kakashi and he'd found himself kissing Iruka, kicking the chair out from under him and shoving the chuunin almost painfully against the wall. And Iruka hadn't pushed him away, but had actually kissed him back, not minding that Kakashi was filthy and rough and not entirely sure he was human anymore.

They'd fucked on the desk.

He doesn't know if he is in love, he doesn't know what it looks like. He knows he would kill for Iruka, or die for Iruka... but that doesn't mean very much. He's been killing for and dying for things his entire life.

He knows that Iruka is the most beautiful thing he's ever seen. He knows that he tries a little harder to survive so he can see Iruka again, and that when he does die, sooner or later, he will use his last moments to think of him.

If it's not love, he figures it's as close as he's likely to get.

In spite of his exhaustion, Kakashi's internal clock woke him well before dawn. He'd spent a moment or two watching the shadows move across Iruka's sleeping form before forcing himself to leave. He couldn't stay longer, couldn't risk seeing Iruka wake up to realise what they'd done, or worse yet, be disgusted by it.

They don't talk. Kakashi's scared to, scared that if he opens his mouth the raw need he feels will come pouring out. They pass on the street like strangers.

Nine days later, another mission was over, another night he couldn't manage something as human as sleep. He ended up on the balcony outside of Iruka's apartment. His own was too full of the dead.

In spite of Kakashi's silence, Iruka knew he was there. Came to the window and opened it to let him in.

This time, they fucked on a bed.

They both slept afterwards.

He's gone there a handful of times now, each when he can no longer stand not going. Each time, they fuck, and each time, Kakashi's left before dawn. Before Iruka could see him.

Because as long as Kakashi can pretend Iruka actually loves him, that Iruka feels something more for him than pity and some form of fucked up, tragically misplaced lust, he can keep going a little longer.

He's been a ninja long enough to know there are worse things to die of than kindness.

Back to team seven
Back to Chuunin and Jounin
Back to the main page