Temari looked up from her book, feet propped on the back of the chair before her, and shrugged. "Well. Really well," she said blandly. She looked back down and kept reading. Then she looked up again, peering across the room at the brother slouched on the floor. "Why?"
Kankuro shrugged. "You're reading gay porn again, aren't you?"
Temari felt her face heat. She did her level best to shoot it right over to Kankuro, and hopefully fry him to the spot.
He just kept working on his puppet, tiny knife digging sand out of the joints.
"What does that have to do with anything?" Temari asked.
Kankuro shrugged again. "I was just thinking about the Defense. And sex."
She really, really wasn't sure she wanted to think about her fourteen-year-old brother having sex. Of any sort. Her head cocked, as her mind gleefully hijacked her imagination anyway. "Do you think, if you kissed him, the armor would come down? Or would he taste like sand?"
Kankuro stopped digging at his puppet and looked pained. "Grit in your teeth . . ."
"And that nasty crunching you get when you've just bitten dirt," Temari added.
The two looked at each other, and shuddered. Temari went back to her porn. Kankuro went back to his puppet.
"What if you bit him?"
Temari looked up, but didn't move her head. "Bit him?"
"Yeah. Haven't you ever made out and had someone bite you? Not hard, I mean. But would the Defense react to that?"
Temari had to think about it. "Jeez. It could bash your teeth right out."
Kankuro nodded. A tiny rock twitched out from between Karasu's spine and shot across the room, bouncing off the wall. Temari watched it absently.
"I don't think it matters," she said finally, looking back down. "I've never seen him act interested in anyone."
Kankuro grunted. Then his movement stopped entirely, which was far more eye-catching than any gesture he could have made.
He stared vacantly into space.
"What?" Temari asked finally, annoyed by the silence.
"What if likes . . . y'know. Guys."
Temari grinned. "I know some cute ones . . ."
"Temari!" Kankuro yelped, looking at her with horror. "Cut it out!"
"Why? Jealous?" she asked sweetly.
Kankuro sneered. Temari smirked.
Kankuro bent over Karasu again. Temari went back to her book.
She was just getting to one of the good bits--there were several--when Kankuro laughing under his breath stopped her. She glared at him. "What now?"
"At least he'd always get to pitch."
Temari just kept staring. If she watched him long enough, she supposed even her brother would eventually start speaking a language she understood.
Then, suddenly, she did understand. "Oh, Kankuro, that's gross!" she said, wishing she had something nearby to throw at him. "That's Gaara we're talking about! I don't want to think about this!"
He just kept snortling. "But it's true! He'd always be on top."
Temari refused to look at him. She stared down at her book, and tried to pretend like the boor in the corner didn't really exist.
When pretending didn't work, she snapped her book closed and glared. "I don't see why they couldn't try with him on the bottom. I mean, a lot of guys say it doesn't hurt. They like it, even."
Kankuro's smile fled. He looked distinctly uncomfortable, and shifted slightly. "Think about that. Jamb a banana up your ass, and tell me it wouldn't hurt. Really."
"Besides," Kankuro interrupted. "Do you know any guys who are willing to puts their dicks at risk just to find out if our little brother likes to catch?"
Temari struggled to keep her mind from blanking at the very thought of their little brother having sex AT ALL, in any way, shape, or form. "Good point."
Silence fell. She went back to her book. After a while, she looked up. "If they did, do you think the Defense would just block? I mean, what if the guy's thingy--" she was not going to say 'dick' or 'cock' in front of her brother, "--was inside before anything hurt? The Sand might just cut it off at the base."
Kankuro's face dissolved into horror.
Temari smirked. "You'd be an instant eunuch, and have to piss out of a feather--"
Kankuro went pale. "Fuck, this is sick. Why are we having this conversation again?"
"You started it," Temari muttered.
"I don't want to think about Gaara and sex," Kankuro muttered. "It's like thinking about you and sex."
Temari stuck her tongue out at him. He rolled his eyes.
She snuggled farther down into her chair, curling up into a smaller ball, and went back to her book.
"Of course, they could always try it with a dildo," Kankuro said.
Temari wrinkled her nose in pain at the thought, and still somehow found her brain gleefully turning the option over in her mind, like picking a wound. She nodded slowly. "I--" she stopped.
Kankuro was suddenly very intent on Karasu. Temari looked around.
Gaara stood in the doorway, hair mussed from his twenty-minute nap--as long as he could sleep without releasing the demon--face pale, the circles under his eyes dark.
He looked . . . puzzled.
Temari very carefully, and very slowly--don't attract his attention, don't attract his attention--went back to her book.
"Were you talking about me?" Gaara asked quietly, confusion in his voice.
Neither sibling answered.
"Me and . . . dildos?"
Temari could only pray that her little brother didn't know what that was. Please, please, because he could be so naive sometimes, it would make sense that he wouldn't know, who would have told him?
"And anal sex?" Now he was starting to sound disbelieving.
They both continued to be Very Busy And Unable To Answer.
"Gotta run," Kankuro said, leaping up, Karasu clattering to the ground in a rare show of disrespect.
He was out the front door in moments. It was times like these that Temari really hated her twin.
She was absorbed in her book. Really.
Gaara's footsteps were soft, loose pants that were too long shushing across the floor. A finger appeared at the top of her book, pulling it down. Green eyes looked at her, almost painfully, definitely with mild horror. "Temari?"
She cleared her throat. "Excuse me, Gaara," she said pointedly. "I'm trying to read gay porn, here."
Gaara looked slightly nonplussed and pulled away. Probably hurt. As long as he went away she didn't mind so much. She could make it up later.
His footsteps shushed toward the kitchen, where he paused. "I'm not having sex with a dildo for your gay porn," he said, and walked out.
Temari closed her eyes and tried to banish those images, too. She thought she might be ill. Damn her brothers. She was never going to be able to read gay porn again.
I can't POSSIBLY be the only person who's thought of this.
...or something /like/ this.
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