My lover speaks to me in silence and I answer him in kind.
Where I go he follows
Where he is I am.
Were I lesser then I am I would not feel this way
I would not accept
I would not love him
I do accept
I do love

My lover is a traitor and I betray him in my way
I had loved another
And he had loved before
Were my soul not broken I could never have found him
I will not love him
I will not change
Yet I love him
By different means

This relationship is not a secret.

But nobody talks about it.

They don't know what to say, really. And I don't know what to tell them.

It's been three years since Scott died, aren't I allowed to love again? Wouldn't Scott want me to love again? That's not the issue and I know it. It's who I found love again with that no one understands.

They all expected my new love to be Logan. I guess I expected that as well. Wasn't it common knowledge that the only thing that stood between Logan and I was Scott? Wasn't it?

I find myself at the window. He's still in bed. He stirs slightly but does not wake. I can feel a smile tug at my lips. If he wakes he knows where to look for me. I tend to spend some quality time at the window during the night. It lets me think in silence which is a nice thing for a telepath. The cigarette I hold gives off a thin ribbon of smoke that winds about, catching the moonlight, then dissipating. Yes, the cigarettes. It's a habit I picked up from him. We only indulge when we're behind closed doors these days. We can give everyone that much comfort, I suppose.

Logan found out before everyone else did. Like I could keep a secret from him. With that nose? Are you kidding?

He was furious and hurt. Like everyone else, including me, he had been expecting me to come to him when I was ready.

Well, life just doesn't work the way we expect it to.

I expected to grow old with Scott. I expected Scott to live a little longer than he did. I expected a few things that didn't happen.

I did not expect Remy.

He's always been something of a mystery. Actually, I think he was more surprised at the way it all turned out than I was. And believe me I was plenty shocked at the way things went. After we found out that he worked for Sinister I didn't think I'd ever be able to look at Remy again without ripping that gorgeous head off and spitting down his throat much less love him. For a long time I didn't trust the guy and I sure as hell didn't harbor any feelings towards him that could be considered amorous.

I only accepted him as a team-mate again shortly before Scott died.

I came to accept him as more than that.

Remy wasn't around all that much in the aftermath of Scott's death. He was there for the memorial and he was there to help out when we needed him to. But he was dealing with a lot of his own baggage at the time. His father, the Guild's, his powers. I really didn't see a lot of him until we all met up in Venice. Even then, well, we weren't particularly tight. Remy took the reins and we went to Russia.

That's where things changed. Working conditions forced me to confront my feelings for him. I had to be sure of what I felt if I was going to work with him. Did I really not trust him? Did I really hate him? Did I really think he betrayed us all? I had called him Judas, hadn't I? And now he was my team leader? He was going to attempt to take Scott's place?

What kind of sick joke was that?

I am a telepath. I have to be truthful to myself if I'm going to be able to use my power effectively. Was Remy a traitor? Wasn't it just easier for me to hold on to my anger and direct it at Remy? I was broken after Scott died. I was angry at the world and everyone in it. Not that I ever would have admitted that, but there you are. My heart was lead... it was heavy and cold and hard. My Scott was dead and I didn't want to care, or love, or believe, or anything. Remy was an easy target.

He bore it well, all things considered.

I ended up spending a lot of time with Remy in Russia. Telepaths are such useful things, after all. What team leader wouldn't, excuse the term, pick our brains when given the chance? Remy also laid down the law about my tendency to get into fistfights with whomever we happened to be up against. 'What the hell good is a telepath if she's going to jump into the fray and get herself knocked out at the first opportunity?' were his exact words, I believe.

He insisted that if I was so determined to mix it up that he was going to damn well teach me how to fight. Lord, did he. He taught me the dirtiest tricks, too. 'You don't have a metal skeleton, you don't have super-strength, your agility isn't that far above average and you aren't invulnerable. Woman, if you're going to take it to them you'd better use every nasty thing you can think of to your advantage.'

'Woman,' it's become something of a pet name.

While Remy was teaching me how to brawl effectively, I was helping him out with his own power. I had not realized how dangerous he was since Sinister put everything back to the way it was. Yes, he told me about that. Funny, all I had to do was ask. So, we helped each other and we got to know each other pretty well. And when it came to fighting we watched each other's backs. It was such an easy progression to go from looking out for each to looking for each other. God, it was so natural it didn't occur to me that others wouldn't think so, too.

Like I said, Logan wasn't happy. He made some pretty ugly statements about how I seemed to latch onto the leaders. He asked me if I would've thrown myself at him if he'd taken the position. I'm glad Remy wasn't around to hear that. I'm glad I didn't do or say anything to Logan right then, even if I really wanted to slug him.

Logan apologized later. I accepted. We don't talk much these days. It's kind of sad, really.

Everything is different now. The teams don't even live in the same house anymore. Not that it's a bad thing. Remy told me I needed to live in the real world for a change. We still, officially, commandeer the mansion. Hank is with our team and all of Hank's research is here and that seemed reason enough. Actually, none of us really even live there anymore except for Hank and he's turning it into a research center to rival Muir.

Rogue moved her team to Fall's Edge after Forge rebuilt it. It made sense for them to be a bit more in where the action was.

Rogue.

Remy and I were still pretty tentative to describe what was between us as anything other than a convenient comfort when Rogue got wind of our relationship. She got the jump on us at the boathouse one morning. I wasn't stupid enough to think she was just going to ignore us but she surprised me. No scenes, no tirades, no tears. Rogue and Peter had gotten pretty tight during the interim and she was so much more at ease with herself and her powers.

She and Remy had flair, no one could deny it, but that flame died out and it was pretty clear to both of them that though they were great at driving each other crazy it just wasn't enough to maintain a relationship.

I think that was when I realized that my feelings for Remy weren't as superficial as I thought.

Remy's a great looking guy. He's charming and witty and knows how to woo a woman. He knows what it's like to lose people and he knows what it's like to put the pieces of your life back together. Up to that point he was a good friend, a great listener, and a terrific bedmate. When Rogue left us that morning all I could think was 'He's MINE!'

It was a little crazy. Remy was always Remy to me until that moment. Then he became MY Remy and woe upon any woman who tried to get to him in any way.

Two years have passed since that moment and I still feel that way. My heart was lead and he turned it to gold.

Nathan, Ororo, Remy and I scattered briefly before regrouping again. We're something of a globe-trotting team these days. Hank is our knowledge base. Right now, Remy and I are staying at his place in New Orleans. Ororo and Nathan are checking out a situation in Atlanta.

And still no one knows what to say about this relationship.

I put out my cigarette and return to bed. He wakes as I pull at the covers and opens his arms to me. I fall into them easily. Perhaps no one says anything because there isn't any need.

My lover touches me with his gaze and I reach for him with mine
My loss left me broken
He shattered at his own
Were our wounds less painful we'd never be as we are
I can never feel alive
I can never give him comfort
I live in his breath
His comfort is me