He wasn't allowed to see Raidou. He lay in a hospital bed, wrapped and tubed and bandaged, salve on minor burns, orders to drink lots of liquids and the doctor didn't care if it hurt to swallow.

His eyes were even burned, swollen, dried, red and angry. A nurse came by every half hour to put drops in them, but he was effectively blind.

He could still hear, though. His heart leapt when he heard Hanayo's voice; surely they would tell her how Raidou was doing.

He waited until the doctor's footsteps vanished, and then listened intently. If she'd come down this hallway to see Raidou, it meant she had to go down it again to get out.

Over an hour passed before he heard her; steps light but slow.

"Hanayo-san?" he called when a blur passed by his door.

The blur stopped. "Genma." She came inside, sat down by his bed, and took his hand in both of hers. He curled his fingers around her hesitantly, relieved when she squeezed back.

"How's Raidou?"

She was silent for a long time. He couldn't see her facial expressions, but he could feel the tension in her hands. "They've done skin grafts. Repaired some of the damage to his lungs. They think, barring complications, he'll live."

Genma relaxed. Complications on a burn victim could be serious, and happened easily. Still, it was better than nothing.

"If you'd gotten there any later, he'd have died," she said softly. "Thank you."

Guilt nearly crushed him. He smiled bitterly. "If I hadn't left in the first place--"

"You might have been trapped in there with him," Hanayo said. "What's done is done. Be grateful for the things that went right, and learn from the things that didn't. Don't try to second-guess." The words were rehearsed, though he doubted she often said them to other people.

Hanayo had grown up a ninja.

"Did they let you see him?" Genma asked after a moment.

She took a deep breath. "Though a window. They're not letting anyone in. Infection. . ."

Genma nodded. "Is he conscious?"

"They've kept him under."

That was good. That dry voice from his childhood returned, intoning, "Burns are among the worst pain a person can experience, and do not react well to painkillers." He shuddered.

"How are you?"

He smiled slightly, felt his lip split in response, and winced. "I'll be all right. Few days here, they said, and then a week or so of rest . . ." He petered off. They both knew it would be more than a week of rest, but Hanayo was too polite to say it.

"Good," she said, squeezing his hand. "That's good."

**

In four days they let him up. They'd opened his chakra pathways as much as they could, pumped more energy into him, dosed him with blood and fluids and every tonic he'd ever heard of, then performed medical jutsus and seals he didn't try to understand.

By the end of the four days, he could breathe, the organ damage from blood loss had been repaired, and the hole a rib had punched through his lung was gone.

His ribs were still broken and cracked, two fingers were splinted, and his knee was propped together with bandages and splints, but he considered himself to have escaped lightly.

Raidou wasn't so easily repaired.

Genma stood outside the man's hospital room, listening to a litany of harm. Lungs seared, unable to process oxygen. (Tubes ran down his nose and throat, making him breathe, feeding him.) The skin grafts on his chest, shoulder and neck weren't taking. (His skin was too burned to stitch properly.) The searing was severe, despite everything the doctors had managed. (He shone in the florescent lights, slathered with salve, laid in a cooling bed.) They mostly kept him under, bringing him up for minutes at a time to make sure he still could be brought back to consciousness. (Drugs to keep him unconscious slithered from a bag to his arm, which was bruised from multiple IVs.) The pain kept him from resting enough to truly heal. (A morphine drip tangled with other wires before snaking into his wrist.)

After a while, the doctor left.

Genma stared at the window, listening to the faint beep of machines and the rhythmic hiss of the respirator. A medical ninja sat in the room, painting healing seals on the floor, humming quietly.

Eventually, Genma left.

He decided not to sleep in Raidou's apartment that night. It seemed wrong, somehow, with the other man gone. He went to Maito Gai's apartment that first night, the younger man letting him in while saying something about Youth and Fighting Spirit and True Friendship.

He didn't pay much attention. He didn't know Gai that well, but guessed the Chuunin would let him sleep. Gai did.

The next night he stayed with Fuumi Yutaka, knowing she would welcome him into her home and bed. He didn't have to think about Raidou lying in a hospital room, burned beyond recognition. He didn't want to remember any of it.

The night after that, and for several following, he stayed with Toriichi Kumade. Yutaka was too kind, with her soft words and pretty phrases, eyes that looked like they would cry for you, if you let her. Genma couldn't deal with that. He didn't deserve that.

Kumade was something of a sadist. He didn't care, particularly, if Genma was hurting. In fact, he was more than willing to make it physical rather than mental. Genma handed himself over to Kumade's terrifyingly graceful hands, and let the Jounin do what he would.

That, he deserved.

**

He ran into Tani in the market five days after that. She smiled hesitantly. "Raidou's awake," she said, shifting her basket. "He was asking after you."

Genma nearly flinched, and pulled his sleeves farther down over his wrists. "Oh?" he managed.

Tani nodded. "Mom asked if maybe you'd go see him. They're letting him have visitors now." She played with the edge of her basket, not meeting his gaze. "Visitors are good. They take his mind off . . . things."

Genma winced. "Yeah. Things."

They stood in silence for several moments.

"How's he look?" Genma asked finally.

Tani smiled, but it seemed to wobble uncertainly on her face. "Better than he did. We try to pretend like he still looks like himself."

Later that day, he went back to the hospital. He hovered outside Raidou's doorway for forty-five minutes before finally peeking around the corner.

Raidou was watching him out of a single unbandaged brown eye.

Genma smiled weakly. "Hi."

Half of Raidou's face was wrapped in gauze that stretched across his nose and over the other cheek. The part of his mouth that was showing twitched slightly.

Genma took it as a smile, and sidled in. "I saw Tani earlier. She said you were awake."

The Jounin looked better than Genma had expected. Their medical ninja could work wonders, he knew. Skin, pink, fresh, and tight over his bones, was healing.

"Where've you been?" Raidou asked slowly, out of a throat that sounded like he'd been chewing rocks.

"Around," Genma evaded. "I didn't want to stay at your place without you there, so . . ." He shrugged.

Raidou made a noise that wasn't quite a sigh, wasn't quite a murmur. "Water my plants?" he asked slowly.

"Oh, yeah. Sure," Genma answered quickly. He glanced around, looking anywhere but at the large body beside him. After a moment he realized he was picking at a scab on his forearm, and stopped. He glanced at Raidou.

Raidou was watching his fingers, now bloody, an expression on his face that Genma couldn't read, but sent pain and guilt stabbing through him anyway. He covered up the mark quickly.

"Still . . .?" Raidou asked, eyes lifting off the wound.

Genma smiled weakly. "Makes me forget."

Raidou didn't respond.

Shortly thereafter a nurse came in to tell Genma he had to leave. Genma promised once more to water Raidou's plants, and headed out of the hospital.

**

"I'm never going to be a teacher," Iruka said with a heavy dose of disbelief.

"Shut up, brat," Tani muttered, chewing on the end of her pencil, her things laid out over Raidou's hospital bed.

"No, really. I mean, look at this! You practically have to go back to school before you can do it!"

Tani threw her pencil at him without looking and pulled another one out of her satchel.

Iruka ducked the projectile, grinning.

"If you two get us thrown out of the hospital . . ." Hanayo warned.

Raidou half-dozed through it all, high on painkillers. The world was a nice place at the moment. Nice and floaty. Somewhere, he knew he was hurting. He couldn't quite bring himself to care, though.

"Look, nii-chan, I've got to get some work done," Tani sighed, packing up her things.

Vaguely, Raidou remembered he usually got annoyed when she called him that. But it was too far away, down there with the pain, so he ignored it.

"I'm glad you're feeling better." She leaned over him, dropping a kiss on the unburned side of his forehead.

"He's feeling great," Iruka snorted. "You're high as a kite, aren't you Raidou?"

"You should try it," Raidou croaked out of a voice that sounded nothing like his own.

Iruka laughed.

"I'm going to head home with Tani, start dinner," Hanayo said, smiling and standing. "Get some rest. Don't let him," she tipped her heard toward Iruka, "bother you too much." She bent and kissed him.

"I'll be good," Iruka muttered.

The two women left, leaving the bachelors on their own. Iruka slanted a look at Raidou. "Has Genma come to see you?"

Raidou pulled his thoughts back to the present. Genma. Genma with his cut skin, and bruises around his wrists. Genma with the teeth marks on his neck, standing out like red poppies in a daisy field.

"Relax," Iruka murmured. "The question wasn't that hard."

The question. The question had been . . . "Twice," Raidou murmured.

"That's good."

They fell silent. The world seemed far away, like something he could see but not touch.

"I'm going to head home, too, Raidou," Iruka said after a minute. He stuffed his things into his bag, and glanced up. "The doctors say you'll be out by the end of the week. So. That's good."

Raidou nodded, head bobbling on a loose neck.

Iruka sighed and shuffled out the door.

**

He was pretty sure he'd killed the ivy-thing. Genma contemplated it, turned it, considered giving it more water . . . could plants drown? He checked the soil.

If plants could drown, this poor thing needed CPR. Maybe if he took out the dirt and let the plant dry out in the sink for a while--

He jumped when someone knocked. Genma hesitated, then finally left the ivy and headed toward the visitor. He opened it, the warning that Raidou wasn't here already on his lips.

He stopped when he saw Iruka, looking up at him like he was ready for a fight. "Yes?" he asked slowly.

Iruka took a deep breath. "Raidou's coming home at the end of the week."

Genma brightened, then realized the kid was still glaring at him. "And?"

"Since you said you were living here, they're expecting you to take care of him."

Genma nodded. "I've done it before . . ." Not often; Raidou didn't often need it. But occasionally.

"I don't know what you've been doing," Iruka snapped, "but cut it out!"

Genma took a step back in the face of the teen's fury. "Cut what out?"

"I asked him if you'd come to visit earlier, and he didn't answer. Just looked all hurt and lost, like . . . like . . . like someone had told him you were dead! Family's important, Genma. I'd think you, of all people, would know that. Well, he's my family, and he's trying to be your family, and all you're doing is hurting him! I don't know what's wrong with you two but if you keep hurting him I'll--I'll--" Iruka stopped, face red, nearly trembling with anger.

"I'm sorry," Genma said after a moment. "I didn't mean to hurt him." He wasn't even sure how he'd hurt him. Maybe it was the disease-thing.

"Well, you did! So get your act together and stop it! He loves you, and he doesn't deserve to be treated like shit!" That yelled, Iruka turned and stalked down the porch.

Genma watched him go.

Loved him--? That was the most ridiculous thing he'd ever heard. He hadn't asked for Raidou to love him. He didn't need Raidou to love him. Love was dangerous. People died. People had secrets, and just when you thought you were falling in love with a person, those secrets would come out and you would realize that person wasn't worth falling in love with.

He told his heart to settle down, reminded himself that he wasn't worth loving and certainly didn't love Raidou, and headed back to the half-dead ivy.

**

It was amazing what medical ninja could do.

Raidou stood in his bathroom, towel wrapped around his waist, steam swirling past.

He shouldn't be alive. Nearly two weeks in the hospital, when patients were normally released in less than three days.

They'd forced his skin to heal, sped up his body's creation of new cells, and made energy pathways where he'd burned his out trying to escape.

He shouldn't be standing in his bathroom for the second day in a row, staring at his living, breathing, self.

And all he could think about was the twisting whorls of skin, like someone had melted plastic over his chest, shoulder, arm, neck, face--

Some of it he could hide. He could wear shirts with longs sleeves. High collars.

His smile was distorted. They said that, eventually, the skin should loosen up. Let him smile normally.

Probably.

Steam laid itself over the mirror, blurring his reflection, giving him the impression that his skin was whole.

He opened the door and let the steam swirl out, exposing his image once again. From the corner of an eye that wasn't as sharp as it used to be, he saw Genma lean against the doorframe.

"I was thinking about what you said," Genma started slowly, fiddling with a bit of parchment.

The Chuunin hadn't looked up. He was staring at his fingers, twisting and twirling the sheet. Not at Raidou and his fire-scarred skin.

"Oh?" Raidou asked, reaching quickly for his bathrobe. He didn't need to subject anyone else to his body.

"About--um, STDs. And, uh, getting tested."

Raidou pulled the robe tight, cinching it at his waist. "Yeah?"

Genma looked up. "So . . . um . . ." he smiled weakly and fluttered the paper. "I'm clean." Then he looked down again, gnawing on his lip. "Mostly. I'm not contagious, anyway, and they've got me on pills and this gods awful tea . . . said the virus should be gone and I was lucky not to have any symptoms, but kids might not be an option . . ."

Raidou winced. "I'm sorry."

Genma smiled crookedly. "I'm not. Never wanted 'em anyway."

Raidou could only nod. Moist heat swirled around him, still clearing out from the shower.

They stood in awkward silence for a long moment. "You're looking better," Genma said softly, glancing up and away.

Raidou smiled bitterly. "Better than what?" He looked into the mirror, then down at the floor. Skin twisted over his nose and across one cheek, shiny in the bathroom light.

"Better than I expected?" Genma offered.

Raidou laughed painfully. He leaned back against the open door of the bathroom, staring hard at his toes. "I know I should be grateful for being alive. I keep thinking that everything could be so much worse. But . . ." he glanced into the mirror again. "I guess I just never realized I was vain." He tried to make the words light, tried to laugh it off.

It didn't work. The world swam suddenly, tears attempting to fall.

"Hey," Genma said, stepping forward. He put a hand on Raidou's sleeve, moved it, put it back. "Hey, Raidou. They're not that bad. I mean, at least you don't look like Kakashi."

Raidou looked at Genma blankly. "Kakashi wears a mask."

"Exactly!" Genma said, smiling around his senbon. "What kind of healthy teenager wears a mask? He's probably horrific under there."

Raidou chuckled hesitantly.

"Probably has no lips or something. Just teeth."

Raidou laughed this time, stronger, shaking his head at Genma.

Genma's smile softened. He lifted a hand toward Raidou's face, then hesitated. "Can I . . .?"

Raidou just looked at him blankly, not understanding the question. Eventually, Genma brought his hand closer, tracing fingers over the sensitive tissue. Raidou closed his nearest eye and shivered, the other man's touch light and cautious across his skin.

"You're still sexy," Genma murmured quietly. "These scars," he said, fingers following the swirl of skin down Raidou's neck, "they represent what you've given for your village. They show how ferociously you protect the people you love."

"I was trapped. I wasn't protecting anything," Raidou pointed out.

Genma pushed the edge of the bathrobe away, fingers trailing over Raidou's collarbone. "But you were on your way back from doing just that. Helping me, so I could do my job. So together we could protect Konoha." He smiled slightly. "These are beautiful."

Raidou caught Genma's hand in its wayward path down the side of his body, following lines of muscle and twists of burned flesh. "Somehow, I don't think that's what others will see," he said quietly.

"Then that's their loss," Genma answered, eyes steady and sure. His other hand came up, sliding along Raidou's scarred neck, around the back of his skull. "Okay," he said solemnly, "your head looks awful."

Raidou snorted. "My hair will grow back, thank you."

"Good thing. 'Cause man, you weren't made to be bald." Genma smirked mischievously.

"Asshole," Raidou muttered, though he was smiling again. He shoved Genma out of the bathroom by the hand he still held, pushing him through the door.

Genma laughed and let himself be moved. Outside he stopped, smile still there. "But really, you are just as attractive as you always were."

Raidou's smile faltered. He knew what he looked like. He dropped Genma's gaze. "Yeah. Thanks," he said quietly, not meaning it.

"Hey!" Genma snapped, grabbing his arm before he could walk away. "I'm serious!"

"Even you couldn't look at me," Raidou said bitterly, remembering the bathroom. They way Genma had looked everywhere but at him.

Genma looked blank. Then he flushed red. "I was embarrassed about that whole--" his face turned plum. "Getting tested thing."

Raidou glanced toward the bathroom, as if that might explain what Genma was talking about. He thought back, trying to remember the conversation they'd been having. "What, for STDs?"

"Yeah!" Genma snapped.

Raidou looked at him. "That's nothing to be embarrassed about."

"You have to get tested, too. You slept with me," Genma snapped, prickly now.

Raidou just shrugged. "They tested me when I was in for this," he waved at his body. "But, Genma--you couldn't even look at me in there--"

"Not because of your stupid scars!" Genma almost shouted. "Fuck, you're still hot, all right?"

Raidou glanced at the bathroom again, as if he could still see his reflection. He opened his mouth to protest, and suddenly had a chest full of Genma.

The Chuunin wrapped his hands around Raidou's head, pulling his face around. Then he kissed him very, very thoroughly.

When they finally broke apart, Raidou stared at the younger man in near shock.

"Wanna fuck?" Genma murmured against his mouth.

Raidou hesitated. Yes, he wanted to say, he did. A lot. But--

He pulled Genma's hands away slowly, and stepped back. "I'm not hurting you."

Genma flinched and looked down. "We don't have to. Normal sex. We can just have normal sex. How you like."

Raidou hesitated. Slowly, he stepped forward again. "You're sure?"

Genma nodded.

Still, there was hesitation when Raidou brushed the backs of his knuckles over Genma's shoulders. He winced internally. He wouldn't want to sleep with himself, either. Raidou took a deep breath and stepped away. "We don't have to. It's all right."

Genma looked alarmed. "No, I--I do. Really."

It sounded weak to Raidou. He smiled slightly and took another step back. "No, it's all right. You don't have to--"

"Fuck it all," Genma snapped. He stepped forward, sliding his hands under the flaps of the bathrobe, hands skimming over twisted skin, around Raidou's waist, pulling his hips close. "I do want to screw you. I just . . . don't want you to freak."

Raidou scowled. "Freak? About what?"

Genma smiled weakly, then promptly hid it against Raidou's neck. "Just, y'know, scratches," he said against scarred skin.

Raidou wrapped his arms slowly around the other man. "Ah. I promise I won't freak." He felt the robe come untied, hands sliding over his flesh. He took a deep breath as tongue and teeth danced over his shoulder. Then he reached under Genma's shirt, tugging it off over the man's head, Genma's hands pulling away for an instant as they were swallowed into his shirt and freed once more.

"Wait," Raidou said, pushing Genma back toward the bed.

Genma let his hands drop, looking half bemused and half uncertain.

"I've wanted this for weeks, you bastard," Raidou muttered, bending to kiss the stretch of skin between neck and shoulder, pushing slightly as he did so.

Genma hit the bed and dropped to a sit. Raidou leaned over him, edging him back until the man was resting on his elbows, Raidou's hands on either side of his shoulders.

"You've been wanting to loom for weeks?" Genma asked, grinning.

Raidou smiled. He felt tight skin pull along his face, and flinched internally. "Something like that," he murmured, bending to kiss Genma again. He pushed more, and eventually Genma let his weight drop, lying sprawled on the bed. Hands plucked at Raidou's pants and the Jounin caught them quickly, pulling them up over Genma's head and pushing them firmly into the mattress for a moment. Then he let his hands come back down, trail over Genma's lean chest, ignoring small marks and bruises like he'd promised.

Raidou took his time undressing the younger man. At some point, he shifted Genma more fully onto the bed, pinning his hands again when he tried to lift up. "Stop. Let me," Raidou said softly. Genma subsisted, though his eyes were troubled.

Raidou kissed his stomach, smelling warm flesh and living human, sliding skin over skin. Genma breathed deeply, nearly trembling under his touch.

"Relax," Raidou murmured into his hip, licking the hollow there. The muscles under him were tense, almost strained. He could feel a heartbeat in the artery by his unscarred cheek; fast, thundering.

"Raidou--" Genma started, only to cut himself off with a hiss when Raidou licked the base of his cock. "Can't we just fuck?" he nearly whined.

Raidou licked a strip up to the head of his dick. "Why?" He took it into his mouth and sucked carefully, hands on Genma's hips to keep him from bucking. Raidou hadn't done this before, but he'd had it done, and knew what he liked and was likely to do. Bucking was high on the list.

Genma bucked. His hands clawed at the sheets, body tightening further. "Raidou--just--"

"Relax," Raidou murmured again. Genma smelled of musk and heat and sex, vaguely of cinnamon and soap. He trembled, tendons standing clear of muscles, toes curling.

Raidou wasn't positive this was a pleasure reaction. He licked Genma's navel, followed the line of abdominal muscles, and stroked a hand up his erection. Then again, and a third time, hands steady and gaining speed. Genma's legs shifted restlessly, eyes squeezed closed, body drawn taut like a bow.

"Raidou--wait--I can't--shit--"

His hands fisted in the sheets, and Raidou felt wetness slide over his fingers. He sucked on Genma's nipple, feeling the body under him pull impossibly tight and release just as suddenly, shivering with aftershock.

Then Genma bolted.

Raidou rolled, throwing an arm over Genma's waist and hanging on.

Genma fought him for a split second, then just went stuff, face buried in his pillow. "Let go."

Raidou leaned his head against the other man's back. "What just happened?"

"Let go, asshole!" Genma snarled, twisting.

Raidou shifted with the movement, changing his grip, never releasing the other man. "What is wrong?" The words this time were stronger, more of an order than a request.

Genma went still again. "Let me go. Just let me go. I can't do this. I thought I could, but I can't."

"Do what?" Raidou asked, feeling the world slip away from him. "Have sex?"

"Yes!" Genma yelled. "Let me go!"

Raidou felt the other man break out in a cold sweat. "Tell me--"

"Fuck off, Raidou! I don't deserve this! Please just let me go!"

Raidou tightened his grip. "What do you mean, you don't deserve this?"

Genma laughed hopelessly. "I'm a murderer, Raidou. I'm a fucking assassin. I don't deserve--I killed a six-year-old girl. A kid." He was silent for a moment. When he spoke, it was softly. "I don't deserve this. It's about time you realized that."

Raidou cringed. He shifted his grip, tightening slightly. "We've all killed people--" he started to say.

"Bullshit!" Genma snapped. He was shuddering, flesh prickling up in goosebumps. "I killed a child. A tiny little girl. Her parents let me stay, thinking I was a traveler, and I killed her. And do you know why?"

Raidou shook his head, rolling it against Genma's shoulderblades.

"Neither do I." Genma was silent for a moment. "Please just let me go."

Raidou tightened his grip. "Is that why you let people hurt you? You think you deserve that?"

Genma didn't respond.

"These scars," Raidou said, fingers tapping on Genma's chest, "they represent what you've given for your village. They show how ferociously you protect the people you love." The words came easily, mimicking what the man had told him earlier. Raidou laid another kiss carefully on Genma's shoulder. "Even when that means killing people without knowing why. You did it because your village asked you to."

Genma shivered.

"Genma. You don't deserve to hurt."

Something inside the Chuunin broke. He shuddered, though his eyes stayed dry. Raidou held tight, unsure what else to do. He rolled the man, hesitating when Genma fought him, but eventually winning. He tucked Genma half underneath him, letting the Chuunin's head go so he could bury his face in the pillows.

"Go away, Raidou," Genma whispered, skin cold.

"No," Raidou responded. He sprawled over Genma, using his greater weight to pin the man down. "No, I'm not going anywhere."

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