Words of Wisdom were written/collected by JBMcD, unless otherwise noted.

The following Words of Wisdom were sent to me by James:

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station...

One must always remember that one’s unique, just like everyone else.

Everyone has a photographic memory; some of us just don't have film.

The oceans would be much deeper without sponges.

Vegetable oil comes from vegetables. Just think about baby oil.

***

The following Words of Wisdom were sent to me by Gabe G

Assassins do it from behind.

If you find you do not like a man, walk a mile in his shoes. If you find you still do not like the man, he's a mile away and you have his shoes.

If you don't think very much, you may not be.

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

Riker gets nervous every time Picard yells, "Fire at will!"

If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

Life takes its toll. Have exact change.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?

***

The following Wisdom was sent by Richard M. Wang:

If you're really mad and want to smash something, smash your pillow. Not your BMW.

That green stuff floating on the top of the pond? Don't eat it.

***

The following Wisdom was contributed by Martin:

Always travel in the direction your horse is going.

There are three ways to get things done: A) Do it yourself. B) Hire somebody to get it done. C) Tell your kids (or siblings) not to do it.

If you are ever insulted, ignore it. If you can't ignore it, top it. If you can't top it, laugh at it. If you can't laugh at it, you probably deserved it anyway.

You shouldn't mind sleeping on an empty stomach, provided it's not yours.

Never eat a six course Italian meal before bungee jumping.

Never tell a police officer that they have a mighty fine truncheon because they probably won't see the funny side of it.

If you're talking to an idiot, make sure he isn't doing the same.

The world is round, but until you see it from space there's no proving it and you don't have to believe it if you don't want to.

Never go bungee jumping without a bungee.

***

The rest of this Wisdom is stuff I either made up or collected, unless otherwise noted:

It's reasonably safe to assume that the man standing outside holding a bloody knife and screaming, "I KILLED HER!!" is a murderer.

There are three types of people in this world. Those who can count, and those who can’t.

Character is acting like there’s someone around all the time. Paranoia is feeling like someone is constantly watching you.

Never try to hold a bolt of lightening.

Large, wild predators are not playthings.

Instant coffee is like a baby. It's easy to make and keeps you up all night.

Puppy love is like mold. They're both warm and fuzzy and make people sick.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

People who think they're out of this world make the people around them wish they were.

People who say "winning isn't everything" aren't winning.

Never go to a plastic surgeon who's favorite artist is Picasso. (Gene Perret)

Don't be afraid to talk to yourself, as long as you don't answer back. Don't be afraid to answer back, as long as you don't say "What did you say?"

Drama is life with the dull parts cut out. (Alfred Hitchcock)

Occasionally man stumbles onto the truth. Most of the time, they pick themselves up and keep going. (Albert Einstein)

Never buy a car unless you can stop on a mime.

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If not, hunt it down and kill it.

When people say it's raining cats and dogs, they're not serious.

Neurotic badger spit is full of wisdom.

Life is precious. So only kill things that multiply rapidly.

FACT: Cats are not water proof.

Don't piss me off. (I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.)

If your hair is naturally green, get some weed killer.

Never walk bare foot on a bee hive.

Area 51 doesn't exist. (And if you're smart, you'll stop asking questions.)

Worry often. Whatever I worry about never happens!

Eating cookies doesn't make you fat; swallowing them does.

Coke isn't bad for you; the bubbles clean your teeth.

Use something besides red nail polish to paint roses.

Birds make great kids.

All parents go to school to learn the right lines. Likewise, teenagers go to school to learn how to explain the state their room is in. (Elves did it.)

Chalk isn't edible.

Funny noises aren't funny.

Never fake seizures.

Garlic gum is not funny.

Never yell "fire" in a crowded classroom.

Your name is not Doctor Death.

Never encourage others to fly.

Tar is not a plaything.

It's potato, not potatoe.

Never bring sheep to class.

Never trade pants with others. And if you do, don't tell me.

Never eat things for money.

Your principal's toupee is not a Frisbee.

A good way to make quick money is to charge admission to the bathroom.

You may not get very far with your attitude, but you sure will have fun going nowhere!

Goldfish don't bounce.

Mud is not one of the four food groups.

Paste is not one of the four food groups.

No one is interested in your underpants.

Underwear should be worn on the inside (except in the case of heroes).

Spitwads are not free speech.

Nobody likes sunburn slappers. (But it sure is fun!)

High explosives and school don't mix.

Hamsters cannot fly.

You are not authorized to fire substitute teachers.

Organ transplants are best left to the professionals.

Never send lard through the mail.

Try not to use abbrev.

Five days is not to long to wait for a gun.

Adding "just kidding" doesn't make it okay to insult the authority figure.

Indian burns are not a part of our cultural heritage.

There are plenty of businesses like show business.

The Good Humor man can only be pushed so far.

The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with Hail Satan.

Wedgies are unhealthy for children and other living things.

"Bagman" is not a legitimate career choice.

Remember to take your medication. (Please.)

Beans are neither fruit nor musical.

Nerve gas is not a toy.

"Bewitched" does not promote Satanism.

Ralph won't morph if you squeeze him hard enough.

Life is full of aches and pains. So stand on your head.

Change is good, but only when we need it.

There is no such thing as forward or back, it depends on how you walk.

"Are you there?" Answer: "No, you're THERE I'm HERE!"

Aristotle knew Victoria's secret . . . she was a cross dresser named Victor.

Elvis is alive and well and working at the Kwik-E-Mart in Springfield, Ill.

The secret to staying young is to find an age you really like, and stick with it!

To truly understand mankind we must first look at those two words, "mank" and "ind." Those words are a mystery, and that is why so is mankind.

If the heart of a man is depress'd with cares, the mist is dispell'd when a woman appears. (The Beggar's Opera)

Cursive writing does not mean what you think it does.

If some weirdo tells you he's okay, remember that okay is relative!

Never open your refrigerator when the mayonnaise is dressing.

Never bathe dressed.

Never try on a shirt that has been sitting on the floor of a spider infested room.

Never walk when your shoes are tied together.

Never let the facts interfere with your opinion.

"You haven't got the guts to pull that trigger" is almost always a bad thing to say.

Not even nuclear winter destroys arrogance if you're good enough at it.

Never brush your teeth while whistling.

A fatal accident can change your life.

All men are created equal, and woman are better still.

Since perfection isn't possible for humans, I'm glad I'm not one.

Be grateful to dead frogs, their legs created electricity.

The surest sign that there's intelligent life out in the universe somewhere, is that none of it has tried to contact us.

Dogs are easy to train. And they think their pets are even easier.

Never trust your mother when she's grinning like a psychotic.

No matter where you go, there you are.

If you're going to dance with a rose in your mouth, first make sure it doesn't have thorns.

Never schedule laser surgery with a man who dresses like Darth Vader.

Never stand in front of a moving truck. It's not healthy.

Never look before you leap--it ruins the surprise!

Don't tell a girl you're going out on the pull for a bird as you'll get a slap in the face!

The REAL reason houses get so messy is elves. They hide in closets and wait for you to leave.

Adolescent tadpoles undergo a lot of peer pressure.

Things need a chance to grow and develop--if we don't like them, then comes the highway.

Never tell a horse it's ugly and then walk behind it.

Never tell your catholic relatives you're an atheist.

Never hold a baby who smells funny.

Don't throw a party if your parents are only going to be gone half an hour.

Never throw bricks from a greenhouse. Replacing all those windows could get expensive.

Never bite into ice cream wearing a metal retainer.

Never hold a baby who's diaper is heavier than you.

Never tell a parent you're baby-sitting for that you believe in corporal punishment.

Make sure your recipe says a tsp. of salt rather than the tablespoon you would normally add.

If you're on a ladder never insult someone who's in a position to poke your armpit.

Never goose anyone who's bigger than you and wearing a spike collar.

Never floss backward.

Never spit into the wind.

Never drive with your toes.

Never tell a woman she's doing PMS.

Never open your mouth while riding a motorcycle.

Never ask a tall guy if he plays basketball unless you play miniature golf.

Never cook while distracted.

Never make fun of BIG older siblings.

Never insult the cook.

Always follow the golden rule: no matter what we're playing, I ALWAYS WIN.

Never whistle while eating.

Never compliment some lady's dress when you're with your wife.

Never tease a big dog.

Back to the living room

-

-

-

-

-