[McDragon's Memo: this list was sent to me from Maelstrom, who took it originally from "The Onion," a paper published . . . um. Elsewhere in the U.S.]

Personal Saftey Tips

In today's crime-ridden world, personal saftey is more important than ever. Here are some tips to help you protect yourself:

1. Pickpockets thrive in large, crowded areas where they can blend in and strike unnoticed. Stick to dark, isolated alleyways.

2. Remember: You can't get attacked by anyone if you preemptively attack everyone you encounter first.

3. Always check the backseat before getting in your car. If a menacing- looking man is hiding there, get a friend or co-worker to accompany you.

4. When ventruing out in public, cover your genitals with both hands while scurrying furtively from place to place.

5. In the event that you are mugged, switch immediately from Democrat to Republican.

6. Carry mace with you at all times. This medieval spiked ball is ideal for fending off would-be attackers.

7. If forced to fight, use Tai Chi to slowly defeat your enemy.

8. Going everywhere in an oversized hamster ball is a good way to ensure your saftey. Be sure to avoid geysers, though.

9. Try to live in close proximity to the Batman.

10. If mugged, take the opportunity to do a little comedic "mugging" of your own. Gesticulate wildly and say, "Oh, no!"

11. Take a woman's self defense class. It won't protect you from an armed attacker, but you'll get a chance to bond with your "sisters."

12. Instead of a real wallet, carry a gag one that shoots ink or confetti when you open it. That'll show Mr. Mugger!

13. If you go jogging, wear sweatpants that say "Do Not Rape" on the ass and crotch.

14. When threatened by carnivorous space aliens, stand next to the guy featured most prominently on the movie poster.

15. Keep in mind that it's hard to rob someone who has taken the precautionary measure of setting him or herself ablaze.

16. If you must walk alone at night, appear as "street-wise" as possible by dressing like a prostitute.

17. According to the NRA, the best form of personal protection is to be in possession of a loaded firearm at all times. To ensure your personal safety, stay the hell away from NRA members.