Note: This is for JB and whatever she wants to do with it. No similarities between these characters and real life people are intended -- unless the real life person decides it's a Good Thing, in which case the resemblance is quickly admitted. But if the real life person decides it's a Bad Thing, I'm going to deny the resemblance to the end. Ha.
Oh, except JB. She's definitely the McDragon. No doubt about that.
The Tale Of The McDragon
by Maelstrom
And oh, verily, was there a fair lass, and she was of the revered McDragon clan, and when she was old enough she was bestowed with the wondrous McDragon powers. For the heir always inherits the Good Stuff, and she was the heir, and the McDragon powers were indeed Good Stuff.
But alas! One day as she was talking to her birds (who insisted that they be fed better quality bird food now that their lady lord was the mighty McDragon), a Dark Force swooped in and stole the McDragon's necklace! For on that necklace hung a silver dragon pendant, the clan's symbol, and to steal such a magnificent creation was a very, very Mean Thing indeed.
And lo, the clan was aghast. "How could this be?" they cried. "How could the horrible Dark Force have gotten your necklace?"
And the mighty McDragon replied, "Oops."
Everyone stared at her. "'Oops'?" they echoed.
"Well, yes, oops," she said. "I was arguing with my birds and Confetti told me that I had to put a tax on Nasty Things so that no one would do them any mor --"
"Birds don't talk!" someone yelled.
"Well my birds do!" the McDragon yelled back.
"No they don't!"
"They do, they do, they do, and if you say otherwise I'll put a pox on your heads!"
And everyone sprang back with a gasp, until they remembered that the McDragon always threatened to put a pox on their heads whenever she was grumpy. This happened each time she was woken up from slumber, was served icky cold oatmeal, or was poked in the tummy. And after the perpetrator's back was turned, she would stick her tongue out and chant, "Squishypoo! Squishypoo!"
So, realizing that she didn't really mean to put a pox on their heads, the clan breathed a sign of relief.
"Anyway," continued the McDragon, "Confetti was getting overexcited about his thesis statement about the tax thing that he started to nip me. And nobody nips the mighty McDragon! So I took off my necklace for safekeeping and put on my boxing gloves so that I could go one-on-one --"
"Birds don't box!" someone cried.
"A pox on your head!" the McDragon yelled back.
A "humff" was heard in the background.
"So while we were sparring, the Dark Force swooped in and stole my necklace," she concluded. "That was how it happened."
And verily, there was a pause as the crowd digested this tale (an old man was carried away after he suffered indigestion). Then the McDragon's little sister, the great Chezster, piped up, "So who won the fight?"
The mighty McDragon looked at her. "What was that?"
"The fight with you and Confetti. Who won?"
And the McDragon looked disgruntled. "Confetti did."
"Ha ha!" the Chezster crowed.
"I could have won, but I didn't want to spank the little lad."
"Ha ha!"
"A pox on your --"
"Enough!" cried the Elder McDragon, otherwise known as Daddy McDragon, McDragon Sire, and McDragon the Brave and Hungry. "You must get the necklace back, or our clan will be forever lost! Without our symbol, our name will vanish from the face of this earth."
And lo, the clan began to wail and moan and generally put on their most pathetic expressions.
"All right, Da," said the mighty McDragon. "I shall gather the troops --"
"No, daughter," boomed the Elder McDragon. "You must do it yourself, for it was your fault that the necklace was lost."
"But Da!"
"And if you fail to retrieve it," he continued, gathering more boom, "I will be forced to strip you of your McDragon title."
And the McDragon gasped, for it was terrible! To be stripped of her title was a great dishonor!
The clan was silent in the solemnity of the moment. Then a voice from the back of the crowd called, "Couldn't you just strip her in general?"
And the Elder McDragon glared, and the clan sniggered, and the McDragon cried, "A pox on your heads!"
* * *
And so that was how the McDragon found herself traveling down the dirt road in search of her dragon necklace. It was on this road that she came across a strange-looking lass with a white seal poking out of her backpack.
The McDragon nodded at the seal. "'Tis a fine animal that you have there."
"Thanks," said the lass. "You wouldn't happen to have any Pringles with you, would ya?"
And the McDragon checked her pockets and patted her clothes and shook her head nay. And the other lass looked so forlorn that the McDragon felt pity for her.
"Tell you what," said the McDragon. "If you help me find my necklace, I will supply you with a lifetime's worth of Pringles."
And the lass was so overjoyed that she agreed. "Who are you, fine lady lord?"
"I," said the mighty McDragon, striking up a mighty pose, "am the mighty McDragon!"
The lass wrinkled her nose and shook her head. "Sorry, never heard of you."
"Hmmph. What of you, then? What is thy name?"
"Oh, I'm the Maelstrom." She stuck her hand out and shook the McDragon's, who stared at this strange custom. "Court jester extraordinaire. Well, ex-court jester. They kicked me out after I made too many comments on the size of the king's codpiece. Now I'm just a world-weary traveler." She did her best to strike up a world-weary pose, and the McDragon politely pretended to believe it. "This is Celtic." She patted the seal, who bashfully disappeared inside her backpack.
The McDragon thought of her birds, who had all been forbidden to join her until she had proven herself worthy of the McDragon name. And lo, the McDragon sighed, for she missed those little darlings. Even the one that boxed.
* * *
And so the travelers traveled in search of the necklace, but to no avail. One day they came across a fine village with fine men strutting their stuff, and the McDragon and the Maelstrom sighed, "Oh, they are so fine."
Celtic, meanwhile, huddled in the backpack where it was Nice and Safe.
And so they entered a tavern to ask questions concerning the necklace, but the men there were more interested in the McDragon's rear. It did not help that the McDragon was wearing extremely tight tights.
"But will you not help us?" cried the McDragon.
"Oh, I'll help you, fair lass," leered a tall thin man with red hair, and he leaned closer to wink. "Help take your clothes off, that is."
"A pox on your head!" the McDragon screeched.
And all the men looked at each other. "Huh?"
"Never mind," quickly said the Maelstrom. "We'll be going now. Thank you! Goodbye!" And she pushed the McDragon in direction of the exit, putting on her best don't-eat-me-I-am-young-and-not-quite-ripe-yet smile.
"You'll not hear the last of me!" the McDragon shouted at the men. "For I am the mighty McDragon!"
And the men glanced at each other in confusion. "Who?"
*Oh dear,* thought the mighty McDragon. *My fame and power are already fading fast. I must find my necklace!*
They stumbled out of the tavern, the doors swinging shut behind them and leaving the poor travelers out in the lurch. It was already getting dark, and though the stars were Pretty and Sparkly, it was also getting cold. And McDragons did not like cold.
"Perhaps we should find a place to rest for the night," suggested the Maelstrom.
A big shadow befell them and a deep, masculine, sweet-and-slow-and-sexy-as-honey voice said, "I could show you fair maidens where to spend the night."
"How dare you, sir!" cried the McDragon, and she smacked him in the face.
"Ow!" He winced and rubbed his cheek, for the McDragon had a very good right hook, and as he stepped back the travelers saw that he was a Very Cute Hottie.
"Oh my," they whispered, transfixed.
"Meep," Celtic wuffled from within the backpack.
"Ouch," the Very Cute Hottie repeated. "I only meant that I know of a place you can stay tonight. There is an inn at the end of this road, and I can charm the owner into letting you stay for free."
"Oh," said the McDragon, flushing in chagrin. "Your pardon, sir."
"Quite all right. I suppose I am so used to ladies falling at my feet that it is a pleasant change to get slapped in the face instead."
And the McDragon heard the Maelstrom snickering, and quickly quelled it with a glare. "I am the mighty McDragon," said the mighty McDragon. "Please allow me to extend my apologies. If there is any way I can make it up to you. . ."
The Very Cute Hottie's eyes lit up.
"Except that."
He looked hurt. "You insult me, fair maiden. My reputation is exaggerated and far precedes me."
"Considering we don't even know you or your reputation, that should say how far it precedes," the Maelstrom said, but the McDragon shushed her, because he was a Very Cute Hottie indeed.
"Show us this inn," commanded the McDragon. "And in return for our thanks, I will allow you to help me find my necklace."
He bowed. "'Twill be my pleasure indeed. . ." He paused and blinked. "Wait, say that again?"
"It's settled, then," said the McDragon. "Let us be off now." And she swept away in a Dramatic Exit.
The Very Cute Hottie glanced at the Maelstrom in consternation. "Is she always this. . ."
"Aye," nodded the Maelstrom. "She is."
He peered at the Maelstrom closely. "Is that a lump in your backpack, or are you just happy to see me?"
And both the Maelstrom and Celtic squeaked as they quickly hurried after the McDragon. The Very Cute Hottie smiled his Devastatingly Cute Hottie Smile (which was known to have leveled some buildings) and followed them.
* * *
And so the next day the travelers set out on their journey, and the Very Cute Hottie told them what he had learned from a Drunk Guiness Person the previous night. "There have been sightings of a Dark Force in northern Cah Na Da, and some report that the Dark Force held a glittering little thingamajig in its claws."
"My necklace!" cried the McDragon. "We must go to this northern Cah Na Da!"
The Maelstrom looked worried. "Are you sure, McDragon hon? Cah Na Da is cold, and you once told me that anything cold oughta be shot."
"Meep!" the seal wuffled, ducking and quivering in her backpack, for seals are creatures that thrive in cold environments. The Very Cute Hottie poked the backpack experimentally, resulting in a Very Long and Distraught Wail from the seal. The Maelstrom smacked the hand of the Very Cute Hottie, who then uttered his own Very Long and Distraught Wail.
"I'll go where my necklace is," said the McDragon impatiently. "And if it's in Cah Na Da, then I'll go to Cah Na Da!"
And the others looked at each other and shrugged, for what the McDragon said, they would do.
But alas! Before they could take one step further, a gang of bandits pounced upon them! And they continued pouncing until the travelers were properly surrounded! Finally they stopped pouncing and cried, "Give us the McDragon!"
"Never!" cried the McDragon. "Meddle not in my affairs, fools, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup!"
"Ha!" cried the chief bandit. "But you are yummy and taste good with whipped cream!"
And the McDragon gasped, for he had insulted her honor!
"How did you find us?" asked the Maelstrom, taking cover behind the other two travelers, for they were both tall and thus provided Good Protection.
"We stalked the McDragon, of course," said the chief bandit proudly. "We are stalker bandits, and we stalk well. Stalk, stalk, stalk!"
"Stalk, stalk, stalk!" echoed the happy bandits.
"It is a very good word," the chief bandit confided.
And the travelers were horrified, for they knew not what to do. The McDragon was helpless without her necklace, the Very Cute Hottie was helpless without willing females within the perimeter, and the Maelstrom was helpless in general.
Then suddenly there was a huge explosion, and from that explosion arose a man! But not just any man, a very big and muscular man! And the McDragon and the Maelstrom saw him and said, "Wow."
And the Very Cute Hottie said, "Hmph."
And Celtic the seal said, "Meep."
"Fear not, lady McDragon!" cried the big muscular man. "I have come to save you!"
"Who are you?" cried the McDragon.
"I am the Paffer, O lady McDragon, at your service!"
And the travelers glanced at each other, blinking. "The Paffer?"
"Yes!" he said, and with a wave of his hand he procured an Extremely Large And Potentially Detrimental To One's Health gun. And with that gun he began to work like a true expert. PAF! PAF! PAF!
And the bandits yelped, and the McDragon ooh'ed, and the Maelstrom whoa'ed, and the seal meep'ed, and the Very Cute Hottie hmmph'ed. In no time the Paffer had driven the bandits away.
"Oh, thank you, great Paffer!" cried the McDragon. "We are in your debt!"
The Paffer kneeled before the McDragon and lowered his head. "No, lady McDragon, 'tis I who am in your debt. You once saved my village from Total Destruction, and I swore from then on that I would do anything to repay your kindness."
The McDragon was pleased. "Pray tell, O Paffer, when did I do this gracious deed for your village?"
"Two weeks ago, O McDragon, when your incessant singing in the shower drove away the crows from our crops. If it wasn't for you, we would have starved to death."
"Hmph," said the McDragon, glaring at the snickering Maelstrom and the Very Cute Hottie. "Whatever. Will you help us, O Paffer? For we need someone big and strong and with access to heavy-gun machinery in our quest to find my necklace."
The Paffer bowed again. "'Twill be my honor, O lady McDragon."
* * *
And so the travelers traveled to northern Cah Na Da, and they came across a giant cave that they were sure held the Dark Force and the McDragon's necklace, for there were neon signs with arrows pointing and saying, "The Dark Force lives here. Please ring doorbell and garnish thyself with Thousand Island dressing before entering. "
And lo, it was decided that since the Maelstrom had not assisted once in this entire journey (the Very Cute Hottie had informed them of the words of the Drunk Guiness Person, and the Paffer had eliminated the stalker bandits, and since this was the McDragon's journey she considered her duty done), it was ruled that the Maelstrom would decipher the coded lock on the cave door. And so she railed and kicked the cave door and yelled, "Yes, that's my final answer, dammit!"
But alas, 'twas no use, for each answer she gave was promptly rejected by the cave door. And so she hung her head in dejection, for she had failed the mighty McDragon. The others felt pity for her and tried to cheer her up, but the Maelstrom would not be cheered.
"It's no use!" she wailed. "I fail at everything! I didn't make it as court jester, or as a world-weary traveler, or as a lap-dancer --"
"What?" asked the travelers.
"Forget that last part," said the Maelstrom hastily.
And so even the cave door took pity on her, and offered her a riddle in place of the coded lock. "What," it asked, "do you call a daschund sitting on a rabbit in the middle of winter?"
But ha! What the cave door didn't know was that this was the Maelstrom's plotting after all! She was Very Good In Looking Innocent, and so easily deceived others into falling for her act. For she knew the answer to the riddle! And she smiled and said triumphantly, "A chilly dog on a bun!"
And the cave door opened with a shriek, and the Very Cute Hottie and the Paffer groaned, and the McDragon clapped her hand in delight as she scampered inside.
They made their way through the many twists and turns and finally came to the middle of the cave. And they gasped, for there in the middle lay the sleeping Dark Force, and in the Dark Force's claws was the necklace!
"Hmm," said the Maelstrom, "you never mentioned that the Dark Force was cute."
"It doesn't matter!" said the McDragon.
"That's what you think. I can't kill a cute Dark Force. An okay-looking Dark Force, maybe, but not a hubba-hubba Dark Force."
The McDragon thought for a moment. "Well, we don't have to kill him. We could just maim him."
"Oh, okay. That'll work."
But before they could approach, the Dark Force awoke! The Paffer readied his Guaranteed To Deliver A Huge Amount Of Pain gun, but the Dark Force extended the necklace towards the McDragon. "I did not mean you harm," said the Dark Force. "I just wanted to have you with me, O hot yummy McDragon."
"Ahh!" cried the McDragon, clutching her head. "What is it with everyone? Why do I have stalker bandits and Dark Forces and tavern men drooling over me?"
And the Dark Force looked surprised. "Why, do you not recall the picture distributed all over the Internet?"
And the McDragon froze and asked, "What?"
And the Dark Force raised a claw to sweep aside a curtain, and behind that curtain was a very neat state-of-the-art computer room. And on the computer's screensaver was an extremely large, blown-up picture of the McDragon in a white bunny outfit.
"Funny," said the Very Cute Hottie, "I have the same screensaver back home."
"So do my eight friends at the village army," said the Paffer.
"Hmmph," said the Maelstrom. "Why can't I have a figure and an outfit like that?"
"Meep," said Celtic, for he was expected to say something.
The McDragon screeched. "Ahh! I told the Royal Camera Nazi not to take that bloody picture! I'm never going to hear the end of this!"
And she grabbed the necklace and put it on, and lo, she regained her powers, and with her McDragon powers she commanded the destruction of all evidence of that picture. And verily, what the McDragon commanded, 'twas done. And so all over the land the electronic pixels were erased and the physical negatives were destroyed. And all over the land the men said, "Damn."
And the McDragon turned away and stormed back home. The others looked at each other and did not know what to do. After a few minutes of "Um," "Er," and "Okay," they bade goodbye and made their own way home. The Paffer returned to his village and proceeded to help grow the crops. The Very Cute Hottie returned to his village and found the women celebrating his return.
The Maelstrom decided to stay with the Dark Force for the time being, and Celtic the seal was very happy to discover an ice-pool inside the cave. And so they were happy, for the Maelstrom could scratch the Dark Force's back in places he couldn't reach, and the Dark Force could massage the Maelstrom with plenty of edible oil.
And whenever they were bored, they wrote e-mails to the Royal Camera Nazi, who sent them more pictures of the McDragon in various nubile poses. And these pictures they distributed to a mailing list specially created for people who wished for screensavers of the mighty McDragon. And no one ever told the mighty McDragon, for what she did not know would not hurt her. But it would hurt others, which was why they did not tell.
The End
Maelstrom ;D
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