Guido continued looking at him like that.

"This isn't my fault!" Jamie whispered, louder this time. The skittering stopped. Jamie closed his eyes and willed the Thing to Stay Away.

"Jamie," Guido growled, "which one of us pressed the big red button that said 'do not press'?"

Jamie cringed. He opened one eye. "Okay, maybe it's kind of my fault."

"Kind of? Kind of? Jamie! What are we supposed to do about that?" Guido jerked a thumb toward the other room.

"It's just a bug," Jamie said sulkily.

"IT'S THE SIZE OF A DOG!"

The cockroach skittered around the corner. Later, Jamie and Guido would agree that they had not, in fact, screamed like little girls and leapt for high ground. For Jamie, this meant leaping onto Guido. For Guido, this meant throwing Jamie to the wolves--or in this case, a DogRoach--and leaping onto the table.

"You traitor!" Jamie squealed, scrambling for a chair before the DogRoach ate him.

"I needed time to run away!" Guido defended.

"Back! Back, evil DogRoach!" Jamie cried. A dupe whimpered and tried to climb the curtains. The DogRoach skittered into another room.

They listened to it run through the kitchen for several long seconds.

"Okay," Jamie said after a while. "I have an idea."

"Did this idea come from your detective skills?" Guido asked. "'Cause right now, I'm not overly impressed with your detective skills. They got us here."

"I found the bad guy's lair!" Jamie protested.

"And hit the button that said 'do not press,'" Guido pointed out.

"It was big! And red! And who really puts 'do not press' on a button they don't want pressed?" Jamie asked.

Guido just looked at him.

"Point. But this idea'll work."

**

Guido eyed the giant shoe Jamie was proudly holding out to him. "I don't think so."

"Why not? Shoes squash cockroachs. A giant shoe will squash a giant cockroach."

"Jamie, how do you suppose I get close enough to the cockroach to squash it?"

"Well, if you just walk really slow..."

"There's a flaw in your plan," Guido said.

"What?"

"I'M NOT GETTING THAT CLOSE TO A DOGROACH!"

Jamie sulked.

"You know," the dupe said thoughtfully, "I had a dream like this once. With Dog Roach People. And Darkwing Duck."

Guido stared. Jamie stared. "Can't you re-absorb him?" Guido asked.

"I'm kinda afraid to," Jamie said.

**

"All right, we're good still," Jamie said between gasps for air.

"Right. This is good. Locked in a storage room with a DogRoach waiting outside that's trying to beat us with a giant shoe."

"It could be worse."

Guido nodded. "There could be more of them."

**

"Explain to me again why we didn't unplug the growing machine when we were out there?" Guido asked as they heard an increasingly familiar zap.

"My detective skills made me think that a cockroach wouldn't figure out how to use it?" Jamie suggested.

"Right. Have I mentioned how much your detective skills suck?"

Jamie sighed. "Yeah. Yeah, you have."

"They suck."

"Fruit drinks, fruity drinks, uber allez? I think that might have been the slogan..." the dupe said thoughtfully.

"Okay, seriously? Re-absorb him."

Jamie shook his head.

**

"Re-absorb him, damn you!" Guido yelled. The storage room echoed.

"I won't! You can't make me!"

"Oh, man, and then Val Cooper--"

"I can't take this anymore!" Guido shouted. Screaming, he burst from the storage room.

And stopped.

"Jamie?" Guido asked.

"Yeah?" Jamie said, hiding behind what was left of the door.

"I think I'm losing my mind."

The Dog-Roaches lifted their fruity drinks in a silent toast.

"...whoa," Jamie said.

"Cockroaches are supposed to be smart," the dupe commented. "I guess the bigger they get, the smarter they get?"

"We come in peace!" Guido said slowly. "We know how to make more fruity drinks!"

The DogRoaches chittered.

Jamie shuddered. "Ew."

**

Guido stopped. He peered at Jamie. Jamie peered past him, with a facial expression sort of like the expression one might wear if they had just been told that for the sake of mankind, they had to sleep with a DogRoach.

Guido followed Jamie's gaze.

A Jamie was getting very friendly with a DogRoach.

"Tha'sh jusht not righ'," Jamie slurred.

Guido nodded and nearly fell over.

A DogRoach chittered in his face. Guido nodded again, and did fall over.

"Yesh," he heard faintly, "I'm totally pos'tive that the saying was fruity drinx, fruity drinx, uber allesh."

**

"Oh my god," Guido whimpered. He sat slowly, trying manfully to bite back more tears. Why, oh why, would someone suggest it was a good idea to play drums with his skull? He was certain that was the only thing that could make him feel this way.

He cracked one eye. He had to still be drunk. v Around him were giant dead cockroaches, flipped onto their backs, their legs curled up. A dupe--at least, Guido hoped it was a dupe--sobbed pitifully over a roach body in the corner. "Horatio!" it cried. "Oh, Horatio!"

Guido thought about shaking his head, but was afraid if he did it might fall off. "Jamie?" he managed.

"Apparently, DogRoaches and alcohol don't mix," Jamie mumbled. "Now, shhh."

Guido closed one eye to see if the wobbling would stop. It didn't. It just wobbled more crookedly.

"See? I told you I would take care of the DogRoach problem," Jamie said.

"You didn't take care of it. I fixed the fruity drinks."

"But it was my idea."

Guido opened both eyes and stared at Jamie, who was on top of a pile of other Jamies, all moaning. "No it wasn't."

"Oh. Right. Well, my detective skills saved the day again."

"No they didn't," Guido muttered.

"Oh. Well. It was something like that."

Silence decended. Except it wasn't silent. The dupe was still sobbing.

"Please, oh please, re-absorb him," Guido whimpered.

"I'm still afraid to," Jamie moaned back.

"Oh, Horatio!"

Guido thought about it. "Hey. Jamie."

Jamie grunted.

"Where'd the shoe go? If it's big enough for a DogRoach, it's big enough for him..."

Jamie whimpered and lurched to his feet. He stumbled toward the growing machine, stopping halfway across to pick up an empty bottle of vodka. He dragged the giant shoe over to the dupe, and hit him. It created another one, but at least it knocked out the formerly loud one.

"Is that more alcohol?" Guido asked, eyeing the bottle. "Hair of the dog that bit you..."

"Empty. Just a drop left."

Guido sighed. Then he looked up. Jamie looked up. They both looked at the growing machine.

**

Rahne wrinkled her nose. "What's that smell?" she asked, sneezing. "Smell like--"

"Bug poison!" Jamie said loudly. "To kill th' DogRoashes!"

"DogRoashes?" Rahne asked.

"RoaCHes," Jamie corrected. He smiled vacantly.

"Oh. I guess if ye've been breathin' it, it explains y're behavior," she said doubtfully.

"Yes," Guido said, overly solemn. He blinked. Slowly. Then blinked again. "It does."

Rahne looked at them both questioningly. "Well... did ye want a ride home? Or help cleanin' up the bugs?"

"NO!" Jamie said. "I mean... we can do it ourselves..." v "It's not that we don't want to share the...uh...poison," Guido clarified. "It's just that... um..."

"The machine. I's dan'erous. Better go home, Rahney. Rahney poo. Rahnel-y-Rahne-Rahne." Jamie smiled.

Ranhe just stared at him. "If ye're sure..."

"We're sure. You go. We'll take care of things here," Guido said carefully. He smiled and carefully pushed her out of the room.

**************

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