"For heaven's sake, Jamie! Just get up and look for the damn remote!"

Jamie watched miserably while Lorna stormed passed, her wet hair a dark emerald green from the shower. "It's much too much work," he managed to mutter. "'N I'm sick. Feel bad for me."

Lorna, however, perhaps the only person in the place able to find the remote without looking too hard, had left. Jamie was stuck watching more infomercials.

Coldly he glared at the TV button, which--he would have sworn--was gloating.

He considered reaching again to change the channel, but stopped and looked as pitiful as possible as soon as he heard footsteps. Maybe groaning would get him more sympathy.

"Found the Playboy channel, huh?" a cheerful voice quipped, and Jamie snickered. Guido crashed down beside him on the couch, a bag of chips and a six pack dwarfed in his giant hands. Jamie scrambled up to make room, and accepted the ice cold can of Coors happily. Guido huffed as he looked at the screen.

"So, spray-on hair?"

"Maybe for Rahne?" Jamie shrugged, and Guido laughed.

"You suggest it to her, bunkie. So what else is on?"

"Dunno. Remote's disappeared."

"What?"

"Yeah. And Lorna stormed past before I could get her to find it."

"She was taking a shower."

"Yup."

Both men shared a short and respectful silence to the image of their green haired teammate naked in the shower.

"So what now?"

Guido grinned hugely. "Like Havok says, we call for back up." Both men smiled and called out together.

"ALEX!!!"

He appeared in record time, half dressed and wet. Guido grinned. Jamie coughed. Alex glanced from one to the other, and let out an aggravated sigh.

"If you two scare me like that one more--"

"Lorna went that way after she walked out on you," Jamie interrupted. Guido snickered. Alex stopped mid-sentence, considering, then nodded once and went after her.

"But we still need backup," Guido pointed out, guzzling Coors. "I'm thinking Quicksilver would be better, if we can keep him around long enough," Jamie answered.

"Ohhh," Guido agreed, nodding. "How do we do that?"

Jamie snorted. "I dunno. I thought if him--you keep him here."

Guido sat back, seeming to watch Mr. Popeil explain the virtues of the new Salad Slaughterer (TM) as he considered. With deliberate slowness, he raised the phone from the cradle and yelled.

"Quickie! Crystal's on the phone for you!" The phone disappeared from his hand with a gust of wind, and seconds later a thoroughly disgusted and annoyed Pietro stormed back into the room.

"Which of you brain damaged adolescents conceived of this as a joke?"

Guido and Jamie pointed at each other, and Pietro sighed. "I should have known."

"As long as you're here--" Guido started, but Pietro had already disappeared.

"Shameful," Jamie clucked. "Just shameful. I charged you with *keeping* him here."

"Rahney could find the remote," Guido interrupted. "Where is she?"

"I have no idea," Jamie answered. "But we could call her. Got any Scooby Snacks?"

Guido choked on his chips, managing to spit them over most of the coffee table. "Right then. Maybe we could rig a new remote?"

Jamie shrugged. "With?"

"This place oughta have a fireplace poker around somewhere..."

"And that will help how?" Jamie laughed.

"It'll be long enough to change channels with!" Guido protested. "You just have to be an expert fire-place-remote-user!"

"That's a technical term?"

Guido nodded. "Now all we need is a fireplace poker..."

"I see one problem with your idea, Guido," Jamie said, and Guido pushed the rim of his glasses with a giant thumb.

"And what would that be, old chum?"

"Our brownstone doesn't have a fireplace." Jamie made a few complicated gesticulations with his fingers. "So, to one, it would seem likely that our chances of finding a fireplace poker are, at best, poor."

"Always a downer, aren't you Jamie. I have already thought of that!" Guido raised a triumphant finger to the sky. "Come fly with me, Jamie!"

"Would that involve leaving the couch?"

"Metaphorically!" Guido groped blindly behind the couch and came up with a laptop computer. "The gate to our remote!"

"That's a transformer laptop, right?" Jamie asked. "Turns into a remote? More than meets the eye?"

"Something like that," Guido agreed. "But better."

"Oooh! It's hooked to the 'net and you can download porn!"

Guido grinned. "Well, it is hooked to the 'net, but that's not what I was thinking."

Jamie shrugged.

"Besides, it's actually Val's and I'm not sure she'd appreciate that."

Jamie sighed. "Details, details. Always a downer, aren't you, Guido?"

Guido snickered. "Okay, we can either buy a fireplace poker, or a remote. If we add about a hundred bucks, they'll deliver now."

Jamie looked up. "I don't have a hundred bucks to blow on that..."

Guido beamed. "It's government equipment, didn'tcha know?"

Jamie blinked. Several times. "I'm pretty sure the remote came with the TV, which is from Circuit City."

Guido sighed. "Right. Delivering a remote it is."

"Tell me something." Jamie considered the equipment Guido was hammering away on in two-fingered bliss. "How are we going to pay?"

"American Express. Don't leave home without it."

"You have one?"

"No, but dear Miss Cooper has excellent credit."

"Has?"

"Well, had."

"Guido, that's fraud."

"Only if you get caught. Besides, she'll write it off."

"She'll write us off first."

"But we'll still have the remote."

"Pyrrhic victory at best."

"Jamie, who taught you to read?"

"Get stuffed, Strong Guy."

"Respect the uniform, if not the man."

"What, that yellow/black spandex combo?"

"Moot point."

"Guido--"

"We get a remote in under twenty minutes!" Guido said cheerfully with a few last pecks at the keyboard. "Now we have twenty minutes to kill."

Jamie peered curiously over Guido's shoulder. "So, it was wrong to do that."

"Only if we get caught."

"Right. And it would be really, really wrong to leave messed up downloads on Val's computer."

Guido grinned toothily. "Only if we get caught."

Jamie snickered and scooched closer on the couch, folding his legs beneath him.

"So, like the ad says, where do you want to go today?"

"I'm thinking... bondage."

"Excellent suggestion, Mister Madrox. Now, shall we... oh my, my, my..."

"What?" Jamie leaned over to peer at the screen. There, under the header ‘Val's Private Bookmarks', which of course was the first thing Guido clicked on, was the link: ‘Men In Chains'. Guido smiled slowly at Jaime, who grinned back.

"So, Val already-"

"Has downloads, I'll bet." Guido returned to the computer, tapping away. Soon enough, a small folder tucked away and named ‘Bio-Hazard Protocols' seemed to hold just a little too much memory for text, and a spate of pictures opened up on the screen.

There was a long moment of silence.

There was an even longer moment of laughter.

Wiping the tears from his eyes, Guido handed Jaime the laptop. Madrox for his part was laughing so hard he nearly fell off the couch. The noise of course drew attention, in the form of a short red-headed Scots.

"Hey, what's so funny then?" Rahne said with a smile.

"Nothing, Rahne!" Guido said, just a hair too loudly. Jamie scrambled to close the laptop, but was still laughing despite his efforts to stop, and was shaking too hard to grasp the computer correctly. The next thing he knew, Rahne had reached over the back of the couch and snagged it out of his hands. Jamie was still laughing too hard to protest much.

Rahne's eyes widened drastically. "Guido! Jamie! I cannae believe--" then she stopped, and her brow furrowed. "Is this Alex?"

Jamie's eyes nearly popped out of his head at the thought, and Guido looked horrified.

"Oh, God," Guido said, reaching for the computer. "Let me look at that!" After a moment heavy with silence, he looked over at Jamie. "I'll be damned if it doesn't look like him . . ."

Jamie snatched the laptop back. "It's like a car wreck. I want to look away, and can't . . ."

Rahne was blushing so hotly that it could be seen even under her thin layer of fur. "I . . .I . . ."

"We could ask Lorna . . ." Guido pointed out thoughtfully.

"She's probably back in the shower with him by now," Jamie responded.

Guido nodded. "We could just keep it for blackmail, too."

Rahne made a noise that was somewhere between a squeal and a disapproving 'hm.' "I should keep it. For safekeeping," Rahne said softly, chewing on her lip.

"I'm thinking blackmail's a better idea, Rahney," Guido said, grinning. "Besides, you're still too young to be looking at something like this!"

Rahne glared, as much as she was able. "Give me the computer, Guido. Ye shouldnae be using anything as blackmail!"

Guido grinned and put the computer in one hand, moving it as far away from Rahne as he could. "Who's our cute little underage Scots werewolf? You are! Yes, you are! And I'm still not handing it over!"

"But, I--"

"Nope. We are likely breaking a number of laws already. Corrupting a minor is one area we don't need to be dabbling in." Jamie said solemnly, and accepted the laptop from Guido. "Maybe when we get our remote from the courier, we'll find some of those work-out shows for you to--"

"Remote? By a courier?"

"Yup."

"That ye ordered from the 'net."

"Yup."

"On Val's computer."

"Yup."

"And whose credit card did ye use?" Rahne said with a smile, and Jamie and Guido exchanged a startled look. Being outfoxed by Rahne was like being attacked by a squirrel. Guido nodded and Jamie held the laptop out to her.

"Have a seat?"

"Thank ye," she said, sitting primly between them with the computer on her lap.

Jamie and Guido exchanged frightened looks over the top of Rahne's head, the both of them moving aside to give her space. Her fingers tapped over the keys, typing furiously as she frowned at the screen.

"She's so cute when she scowls," Jamie said, laughing, only to be elbowed.

"Rahney? What are you doing?" Guido asked, bending closer to peer over her shoulder.

She glared at him and closed the top of the computer down. "Dinnae be pryin'," she chided gently.

Guido sat back, chastened.

They sat in silence for a moment more, the only sound the rapping of Rahne's fingers on the keyboard.

"Rahne? What *are* you doing?" Jamie asked at last, though he didn't lean forward to look.

"Something beyond yuir ken, Jamie," she answered softly, a gleam in her eyes.

"Ohhh. I've been slammed by the baby," Jamie laughed in reply.

Rahne didn't respond, only grinned smugly and closed the computer, setting it down on the coffee table before standing and walking away, a smirk to her lips.

Guido snatched the computer off the table, reaching it before Jamie did, and quickly tipped the screen back up.

"What? What?" Jamie said, trying to look over the top.

Guido grinned and shook his head. "You're never going to believe this, James. Go ahead. Take a look."

"Dear god. She didn't--"

"She did."

"But he's not--"

"Now he is."

"And the e-mail--"

"I'd suggest closing that hotmail account before Alex finds out, Jamie." Guido said, lounging back.

"But I--"

"Before Alex finds out what?" The blond leader of X-Factor had reappeared in a robe, his hair still dripping. "I hear the sounds of trouble and disaster in here, guys. What are you up to?"

"Nothing Alex." Guido said smoothly, ignoring Jamie's gaping stutters. "Rahne has been acting a little... grownup lately, and has been playing around a bit on Val's laptop."

"Rahne has-- this is not what I think it is, is it?" Alex said, and Jamie nodded sadly.

"It is."

"But Rahne is more Catholic then the Pope at Mass. Her looking at dirty pictures?"

"Perhaps you should take her aside... have a talk with her. Especially before Val notices what she downloaded on to her computer." Guido shrugged expansively.

"She downloaded something on Val's computer? Oh man, miss straight-lace will blow a gasket if she sees that. Look, Jamie, just e-mail the downloads to my computer, and I'll talk to Rahne about them later. Alright?"

"You're the boss, boss." Jamie said, and picked up the computer again. Alex nodded and left the room, only a lingering sense of disquiet in his mind about the whole conversation.

***

"Alex? What are you looking at?"

He frowned and quickly closed down his Lycos account, smiling back at Lorna as she walked into the room. "Nothing, sweetheart," he said, trying to banish the worry in the back of his mind. Lycos was probably just acting up again. Surely, after all, Jamie and Guido would have sent the pictures.

Surely they would have.

Of course. Those two never do anything I wouldn't approve of, Alex thought sarcastically. He suddenly had a very bad feeling in the pit of his stomach.

"Alex? You look ill," Lorna commented, frowning. "Are you feeling all right?"

He attempted another smile. "Oh," he said weakly, "just feeling a bit . . . under the weather."

Val was going to kill him. There was no doubt of that in his mind. He wondered if Mexico was nice this time of year.

"You have mail," Lorna said, nodding toward the computer.

Alex nearly lunged for it, praying under his breath for the name to be "Jamie."

It was. He breathed, and remembered that he liked breathing rather a lot. "WooWoo.jpg" the attachment read. Alex didn't bother opening it to check. Not with Lorna standing there. Who knew what Rahne had been up to?

"WooWoo?" Lorna snorted. "From Jamie? What is that?"

He swore under his breath and continued shutting down the computer. "Nothing, honey," he said as sweetly as he could.

"'Nothing, honey'?" Lorna echoed. "What's going on?"

Alex cringed. "Jamie's just playing around."

"I bet. He sends me lesbian porn site URLs when he's playing around. So what could be titled 'WooWoo' to you?"

Alex froze, thinking fast. He could see Lorna's reflection in the computer screen, and he nearly had a heart attack when she grinned wickedly.

"This I have to see," she chuckled. "Scooch."

Alex sighed and prayed Jamie hadn't sent anything awful as he felt the tug of metal on his shoes pulling him away. Lorna pulled open the file and both of them sat quietly for a moment.

"Alex," Lorna began, slowly but firmly. "When did you start posing for bondage photos?"

"I never--" Alex sputtered, turning red to his hairline. "That is not me!"

"It looks like you."

"But I--"

"Alex, it really looks like you." Lorna underscored significantly, and the flush chased its way into his scalp.

"But it's not me!"

"What's not him?" Pietro said from the doorway, and Alex launched himself at the screen, trying to cover it with his own body.

"The naked guy in leather straps," Lorna deadpanned. Pietro looked puzzled and then shrugged.

"Fine. Ask a stupid question..." He disappeared again and Havok let out a relaxed sigh as he collapsed back into his chair.

"At least he didn't--"

"And I think the stainless steel apparatus is a bit much, don't you?" Alex gave a strangled yell as Pietro's voice came from over his shoulder. The speedster winked and was gone again, leaving Alex clutching his chest.

"Look, this has to be some stupid joke Jamie and Guido cooked up." Alex gathered his shredded dignity as he stood. "Some photo manipulation or something that they find funny."

"They're not the only ones."

"You're not helping. I'm going to go talk to them."

"Don't forget your belt." Lorna said, dissolving into giggles as Alex directed his best withering stare at her.

***

"Now, guys--" Alex started as he walked into the living room. Both men stopped in mid- deal and looked up innocently.

"Yes, fearless leather... I mean leader."

"Hey!" Alex blushed. "Look, we know that's not me."

"No nothing of that, big chief."

"And if Rahne is using Val's laptop--"

"Who's using my laptop?" Val Cooper said as she walked into the room. She tossed a package over to Guido. "There was a courier at the door with this for you."

"Ah-hah!" Guido proclaimed, tearing open the cardboard and fishing out the remote. Jaime did a victory sofa dance as Guido stroked the plastic finish. "The gateway to paradise, James!"

"I wanna use it!"

"This cannot be taken lightly. We must observe the rituals." Jaime nodded solemnly with Guido, and two bent their heads in prayer over the remote. Alex and Val exchanged looks over their heads; a mixture of confusion and bemusement.

"In any case," Val said. "Rahne's been using my computer?"

"I think she opened it the other day, Val. Net stuff. Nothing big."

"That's fine. We really should get her a system for her own work. And while I'm here, I might as well grab my mail." Val sat down at the table with her laptop and began to clack at the keys. Alex sat across from her, a vague feeling of dread in the pit of his stomach. Jamie and Guido exchanged a whispered conversation over the remote.

"Rahne gave Val's e-mail address as the contact--"

"--for ‘HotAlexInChains' on the personals board--"

"--with all the pictures."

"You think?"

"Three." Guido grinned.

"Two." Jaime smiled.

"One." They whispered together.

The tiny electronic voice on Val's laptop chimed; "You've got mail. 207 messages remaining."

FIN

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