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"It's so big."
"Rahney, it's not the size that counts."
"Och, yer horrible Jamie."
"And incorrect."
"Guido, don't encourage him."
"Jahawol, Fearless Leader."
"And don't call me that." Alex deftly wove through the scattering of cars in front of the AMC cinema complex. Thirty towering screens rose in the background, more like a launch complex for a rocket than a traditional theatre. A thousand cars, scurrying like ants on a fallen candy bar jostled and fought for parking in the cramped lot. An old woman with a blue perm in a red DeSoto gave Alex the finger as he squeezed the van into a vacant spot.
"Don't fry her. It's bad press." Lorna said gently.
"Nuts."
"Hey, is the X-Van set here?" Guido said. Alex hated the nickname; mostly since Guido kept talking about a toy line, in which the van would seat four X-Factor figures, have mounted missiles that really fire, and require two D-cell batteries.
"We're set." Alex answered, putting the emergency brake on. All six people fell out of the van and into the lot, crowding into the street and nearly causing a wreak.
"Guido! Jamie! Watch where you're going!" Alex shouted after them. Lorna was laughing, the traitor, as Jamie shouted back, "We'll miss 'Wayne's World'!"
"I am not-- oh, Alex, ye canna make us watch that!" Rahne objected, looking at him pleadingly.
Lorna reached across him, waving at Rahne. "Don't worry. It's not a possibility."
Rahne smiled in relief and attached herself to Alex's arm. He stiffened uncomfortably when Lorna started shooting glares alternately at him and Rahne.
"Let's catch up with the others, shall we?" He managed out of a suddenly tight throat. Disengaging himself from both women, he hurried into the street. A horn blared and a bumper loomed, and the next thing he knew, Alex was on the sidewalk, Pietro looking annoyed beside him.
"Didn't you just yell at the children for that?"
Alex glared at Quicksilver. "I was testing your reflexes." He lied. "You _could_ have been faster." With that, Alex turned stiffly and marched towards Guido and Jamie.
"Six for 'Wayne's World'!" Jamie was saying eagerly.
"Ah, no." Alex interrupted, taking each man by the elbow and leading them away. Lorna would kill him if he allowed Jamie and Guido to make them go to 'Wayne's World'. Mad enough that he probably wouldn't have sex until the new millennium. That he certainly could not allow.
"You are thwarting us?"
"He is thwarting us."
"Really thwarting?"
"I'd said," Guido paused for a moment "undoubtably thwarting."
"Guys, I know you want to see the movie, but the rest of us would rather risk hot pokers to avoid it." Alex said.
"Hot pokers or cold showers, Alex?" Guido smirked.
"Um, look." Alex started again, as always amazed at how close Guido hit to the mark. "We'll each head out to our own movie and meet back here later."
"Split up? That's the first mistake. That's when the pretty cheerleader gets chopped and the funny likable nice guy gets a straight razor in the eye. Wait, I am the funny, likable nice guy!" Jamie said.
"You're not that funny."
"Shut up, Guido."
"Just don't have sex, and you'll be fine, little buddy."
"Skipper!"
"Guys!" Alex said sharply. "I hate to break up the sitcom bonding, but I'm not going to see 'Wayne's World'." Alex stalked off back to Lorna, while Guido and Jamie exchanged looks.
"Mr. Howell?"
"Mr. Howell."
"Shame. He almost had the Professor potential there."
"Doesn't that leave Quickie as the Professor?" Jamie asked, watching Pietro tap his foot at superspeed.
"I think maybe we should reconsider this." Guido suggested.
"Hrm. I'll have to consider," Jamie responded. "Hey, watch this." He said wickedly, then sauntered over to where Pietro was glaring at the movie listings. "Whatcha going to see, Petey?" He asked cheerily.
Pietro's face turned four shades of red, and ended up settling on a nice wine coloured burgundy.
"My name is not Petey." Amazingly enough he managed to say it slowly before disappearing.
"Nice one, little buddy." Guido crowed.
Jamie grinned broadly. "You owe me drinks. That beat your last record."
"I only owe you drinks if I can't beat this new time." Guido corrected. "And I'm working on something."
"Sounds intriguing. Tell me more?"
Guido snorted. "I'm not letting you steal my gag. C'mon. Let's go see what Alex and his girls are doing."
"Three's Company?"
"Chrissy?" Guido mouthed as they neared, tilting his head at Lorna. Jamie started coughing, and quickly walked away to collect himself. Lorna watched with great suspicion as Jamie took himself off and, even more alarming, Guido tried to smile innocently at her.
"What are you considering, Lorna?"
"Well," She mentally leaned away from Guido. "'Dances With Wolves' is supposed to be good."
"Home movies from Rahne's last date?"
"Tch." Rahne snorted disgustedly.
"Seriously though, I think you should join us."
"Why would I want to watch some awful Saturday Night Live sketch for two hours?"
"Wit! Humour! Glory! Ask not for what your movie can do for you, but what you can do for your movie!"
"Idealism at it's best. I'll pass." Lorna said.
"Shame. Especially with those women.:
"Excuse me?"
"Oh, nothing."
"Guido..."
"Well, it's just that I heard a group of young women talking about Alex. And thinking about getting him alone in a dark theatre."
"Guido," Lorna crossed her arms under her breasts and glowered darkly. "You aren't honestly trying to make me jealous just so I'll go see 'Wayne's World'?"
"Oh, there they are now." Guido pointed to a collection of underfed models queuing up for 'Dances With Wolves'.
"Point taken. Alex! Change of plans!"
Guido grinned and went to find Jamie, who was currently trying (and failing) to ingratiate himself in with the young waifs in front of 'Dances With Wolves'.
"Hey, Jamie m'boy! 'Dances' is out."
Jamie looked at him blankly.
"I mean, Lorna doesn't want to see it." Guido clarified.
"Oh right! She going to see 'Wayne's World' with us, then?"
Guido shrugged. "Your turn to go find out. I need to talk to these ladies. Ladies, ladies, how are all of you tonight?"
Jamie made a sour face as the waifs tittered and moved towards Strong Guy. Sighing, he headed to the ticket booth, where Rahne was urgently trying to convince Lorna and Alex that they should go see 'The Great Mouse Detective'.
"What about 'Demolition Man'?" Alex suggested. Much to Jamie's dismay, Lorna seemed to actually be considering it.
"It looks great," Jamie chirped. "Lot's of action. There's this scene in the preview where the guy blows up this building, and this kid is running around with his arm as a stump, squirting blood all over everything!"
Lorna eyed Jamie. "How about not, Alex?"
"I don't remember seeing that preview..." Alex was saying, frowning.
Jamie smiled. "Well, you guys should hurry up and choose..." He wandered away, listening to Rahne talk about 'The Great Mouse Detective' again.
"Vincent Price is in it."
"I thought it was a cartoon."
"Well, his voice is in it, ye ken."
"Is that the same thing?"
"It looks like fun." Rahne cast wishful eyes at the poster, and Jamie caught the deadlocked decision behind them. He'd also noticed the queue of six year old's lining up to scream their way through the movie.
"Yeah, it's really too bad it's all sold out." Jamie slammed his hand into the corner of the wall, and a dupe appeared on the other side, making a bee-line unseen to the ticket counter.
"How ken ye know that?"
"I, uh, checked. Because I know how much you wanted to see it." Jamie lied through his smile.
"Are you sure?"
("Are you sure you want a hundred and eight tickets to 'The Great Mouse Detective, Mister--" The teller checked the credit card again. "--Maximoff?"
"Of course. I have a lot of children." The dupe said.)
"Oh, I'm pretty sure."
"But why--"
"Look Rahne. Why don't we go see 'Wayne's World' instead? It's really funny, and at least it's not sold out."
"Well, I suppose. It's really brilliant?"
"I promise." Jamie exchanged a not so subtle gesture with Guido, and thre larger man lumbered over.
"I picked up tickets." He said, his smile open and guileless.
"I suppose." Lorna said finally, holding on to Alex's arm. "If there's nothing else on."
"Not a thing." Guido said, his smile threatening to split his face in half.
"Fine. What about Pietro?"
"I'll be in 'Dances With Wolves', thank you very much." Maximoff said, appearing suddenly.
"Geez, don't do that!"
"'Dances'? Pietro, the only people watching that movie will be a bunch of weepy women desperate for attention!" Jamie said.
"Think about your life and weep, Maddrox." He grinned and disappeared. Jamie stood stunned for a moment, before letting out a yell and jumping up and down.
"Damn him!"
"Jamie, you're making a scene."
"Not as big of a one as the one I'm going to cause in 'Dances'."
"Steady, old chum." Guido cautioned. "Remember the Plan."
"Guido, rule one: Pietro is never allowed to win."
"Ah, but think strategically. Pietro picks up one or several of the nubile and blubbering women..."
"Yeah!" Jamie said indignantly.
"And takes them out for a meal and a few drinks..."
"Yeah!" Maddrox said again, even more crossly.
"And then he reaches for his credit card to pay."
"Ye--" Jamie paused and a grin bloomed. "--eeeeaaaaaahhhhh."
"To the snack bar then?"
"Guys? We're going to be late for the movie." Alex called from the door, Lorna on one side, Rahne on the other, and the pimple faced ticket taker drooling.
"Right." Jamie said, bolstering his smile once more before heading jauntily toward the gate. "Guido, m'man, tickets?"
"Right here, little buddy!" He pulled the tickets out of his pocket, flourishing them grandly.
"I thought we'd moved past the Gilligan stage."
"I haven't heard you come up with anything new." Guido said primly, handing the tickets to the ticket taker.
"Only because--"
"These aren't the right tickets." The pimply teen interrupted.
Jamie looked blankly at the man, then back to Guido. "Lewis, the Gatekeeper has some issues with you."
Guido was too busy frowning and glaring accusingly at the tickets to notice Jamie. "Those must be the right tickets."
"No," The teen said. "These are old ticket stubs to--" He stopped and examined the name, blushing ferociously. "Six times! You saw--"
Guido swiped the stubs away and chuckled self-consciously. "Never mind that. I must have those tickets here somewhere."
"Look at the size of him. That search requires helicopters." Alex said, and Lorna punched him in the arm.
"Be nice."
"I was. Should we head to the concession?"
"Don't you want to wait for them?" Lorna asked, as behind her, Guido pulled a lace bra from his pocket and blushed.
"No." Alex said firmly, and ushered her and Rahne towards the snack bar.
"Skipper, we're missing the movie."
"Get Mr. Howell!"
"He's heading for the snack bar."
"We go to Plan B then."
"We had a Plan B?"
Guido turned to the ticket taker and smiled. "The green haired girl. You let us in, I'll give you her number."
"What?"
"Oh, we got a bright one here. Look, digits for tickets."
"But my manager..."
"Isn't here right now."
"Deal." Guido scribbled down seven numbers on a sheet of paper and they walked past towards the snack bar and their theatre.
"If you gave him Lorna's number, she'll kill you." Jamie said.
"Which is why he got Val's number instead."
"Bad mojo."
"Nah, she needs a man. Besides, that's a secure government issued number. An outside caller would hit a government switch board and get traced first. She'll never even get the call."
"What about what happens to him?"
"I dunno. Never asked. You think I should have?"
"Nah." Jamie snorted and plucked at Guido's sleeve, pulling him towards Alex, Lorna and Rahne, who stood in front of the register of the snack counter.
"Skittles, Reeces Peanut Butter cups, a large Coke, popcorn--"
"Rahne, can you eat all that?" Alex was asking incredulously.
"Oh, well I'm trying to watch my weight." She smiled, curling back into Alex's side.
"Watch it go up, maybe?" Lorna asked sweetly.
"Ow, ow! That's my arm!" Alex yelped, pulling away from Rahne's claws.
"And we'll take three Monster buckets, extra grease, four sodas... wait, make that six-- one coke, three rootbeer and two orange-- a bag of Twizzlers, two boxes of Jr. Mints--"
"Leave some for me, Jamie. I told you I wanted three boxes myself."
"Who said I was ordering for you?"
"Hey--" Guido hissed, watching Alex closely to make sure he was still embroiled in the ensuing catfight.
"Okay, okay, --make that five boxes of Jr. Mints and nine sodas--"
"Two orange, one Coke, a root beer, and, oh, surprise me," Guido interjected.
"and don't forget the ice cream bars," Jamie finished, smiling at the young girl behind the register.
She was looking slightly panicked. "Would you like anything else to go with that?" she asked, seemingly out of reflex.
"No, thanks--though I'm sure that Alex and his ladies will want to add to that. Alex is paying, you know," Jamie said. He leaned on the glass counter and leaned toward her conspiratorially. "He's trying to pacify both girls."
Guido leaned on her other side, nodding. "They're pretty angry, as you can see. I don't know why he's surprised; it happens every time he tells them he wants a share of the payment before they've even had the guy."
Jamie turned his laugh into a cluck. "The drawbacks to employing your sisters in your escort company."
Both men eyed the girl, who was looking appropriately horrified, and then started to gather their things together.
"How long before it blows?" Jamie asked softly, taking his three Monster buckets to the toppings counter and pouring more salt on them.
"Right . . . about . . . now," Guido said, grinning and tearing open the straw wrappings.
"Look, hon," Alex was saying, pulling Lorna aside and brushing his fingers up her arms. "Can you and Rahne just call peace for right now? Just for the movie?" He smiled and leaned forward to kiss her.
The girl behind the counter shrieked and threw his soda at him.
Jamie and Guido grinned, as Jamie tossed popcorn into his mouth. "God, I love the movies. Shall we?"
"You bet." Guido cupped his hand to his mouth. "Hey Alex? You want us to get seats for you and Baby Love?" Another shriek came from the counter and a hail of popcorn showered their soda drenched leader. "Was that a yes?"
"I think so." Jamie said, struggling to balance the load of junk food in his arms as the tottered towards the theatre. Rahne was cooing over Alex, dabbing ineffectually with a napkin while Lorna laughed.
Eventually, the three of them turned towards the theatre and walked through the doors. Jamie and Guido waved them over to a set of seats directly in front, and Alex, with a slightly sticky scowl, pulled them back to more reasonable seats towards the middle.
"You can barely see up here." Guido complained.
"That and the speakers don't make the seats vibrate this far back."
"Guido, it's a thirty foot screen. Deal. Jamie... forget it. I'm not ready to speak your langauge right now. I'm going to go get cleaned off." Alex said sourly, as Lorna snickered behind him. "It's not funny."
"It was from where I was standing. Go get cleaned up." Lorna brushed a kiss along his cheek and whispered softly into his ear. "I might just kiss it better."
"I do have exceptional hearing, you know." Rahne said accusingly, and Alex flushed crimson. He fled for the washroom while Lorna settled into her seat.
"Spoilsport."
"It's shameful how ye carry on."
"Would you prefer to practice on Jamie?" Lorna said archly and Jamie looked up in alarm.
"What? Who?"
"Jamie, you discovered pronouns!" Guido said in mock astonishment, and Maddox threw a handful of popcorn at him.
"Alex is going to miss the previews."
"He's got a few minutes left."
"Speaking of a few left, hand over the Jr.Mints, chum."
"Vas est zis 'unior Mints you be speakingz of?"
"How many times a day do I have to threaten your life?"
"Touche." Jamie grudgingly passed over the box. "Wait, I hear curtain creak!"
"Jamie, even I canna hear that--" Rahne was cut off as the lights began to dim and the curtain reel back.
"You cannot hope to win, Darth." Jamie whispered to her and she stuffed her ice cream bar into his mouth.
"Hush now."
"Where's Alex?" Lorna said, wincing as she heard the crunch of her drink under a foot.
"Uh, sorry. I'll pay for another." Alex said sheepishly.
"Just sit down." She hissed and Alex slipped into his seat, trying to diplomatically arrange his drink so Rahne couldn't slip her hand on his thigh.
"Sshh!" Jamie hissed as the speakers began to blare and the title credits rolled on screen. The group settled in, amidst Guido and Jamie's delighted muttering.
"This, old chum, is our finest moment ever."
***
"That, guys, was the worst waste of money ever." Lorna said acidly as they left the theatre. "Two hours of lame SNL sketches strung together over a 'plot'."
"It could have been worse." Alex said, secretly having enjoyed the movie, in a relaxed mindless sort of way.
"If I find a Best of Queen tape in the van tomorrow, you're so single."
"Now Lorna..." Alex said, following her.
"Brilliance. Sheer genius. There are no words." Jamie raved, sawing the air with his hands.
"There are words. Sublime. Evocative. The finest comedy yet made!" Agreed Guido enthusiastically.
"Stupidity." Deadpanned Rahne, marching out between them. They walked through the lobby, taking a moment to stare puzzledly at the FBI team that was hauling away a sobbing young man in a theatre uniform.
"I just take the tickets and fill the drinks! Honest!"
"Yeah? Where you're going, you'll get to be the cup." The senior agent said, and the rest of the team laughed, frogmarching him out the door.
"What was that?"
"Nothing to do with us." Alex shrugged. "Now, to find Pietro and go home."
"I'll be late." Pietro said beside his ear, and Alex jumped.
"Geez! Don't do that creepy appearing thing!"
"Sorry. My movie is still going, and I have a dinner date later. Don't wait up."
"Dinner, huh?" Jamie grinned.
"Yes. Far away from the both of you, fortunately."
"Aw, Petey, in some small way, I know you're going to think of us during your date." Guido said with a large smile.
"In your dreams." Quicksilver was gone even as his words faded from the room. Alex looked around, shook his head and pulled open the door to the parking lot.
"Forget it. Let's go." They threaded through the still crowded lot and finally stuffed themselves back in the van. Jamie reclined in his seat, dug the theatre schedule out of his pocket, and turned with an innocent look to the rest of the team.
"So, what does everyone want to see next week?"
FIN