Notes: This idea was very ill-conceived. My muse is on acid.
It was one of the longest, hottest days in the year for the Hidden Sand Village though it was the middle of December. Being located in a desert guaranteed a certain amount of crippling heat even during "winter" months. Currently, the humidity rose to unbearable heights, and all the villagers trudged around tiredly, some dropping like dead flies, some hallucinating, and others just bitching profusely about the weather or lack there of.
On such a hot day, the Kazekage was confined to his office supposedly doing paperwork. A single fan was on at full blast ruffling his red hair despite the lack of necessity for it. Gaara had always been immune to the heat. He supposed he just turned the fan on so no one would think he was weird for being able to function properly in high temperatures wearing tight black leather.
His eyes were intently focused on the figurines in his hands, a wrinkle appearing on his forehead from deep concentration as he properly positioned them on his desk in strategic poses. Once that was taken care of, he picked up two of the figurines and made them face each other.
"So... we meet again, Gaara," he made the blond figurine with the gaudy orange clothes say.
"You will not defeat me this time, Naruto," the figurine that suspiciously looked like a tiny replica of himself said.
"Of course, I will because I will be Hokage one day."
"Well, I'm already Kazekage." He couldn't hold back a smirk as he said that.
"So? That doesn't make you any more special than me. I have a giant demon fox inside me, and nobody loved me as a child."
Gaara stared at the blond figurine with a look that clearly said 'You are such a moron' but didn't make his own figurine respond.
"Well, if you're not going to say anything more then let us fight for no good reason."
He made the two figurines clash against each other hard and pretty much just banged them together several times until he dropped the blond one hard on the desk. "Your demon powers are inferior to mine, Naruto. You are unworthy."
He tilted the tiny blond head up to stare at the mini-Kazekage. "You are right. What was I thinking going against you? You should be Kazekage and Hokage!"
Gaara grinned to himself. "Yes, I should."
He plucked four other figurines, the rest of the "Konoha Five", and nudged them towards Naruto's fallen body. "What have you done to Naruto, you bastard?" He made the Kiba one say.
"He kicked my ass," the Naruto answered. "Be careful! He is so strong and big in penis size that he will defeat you four, as well."
"Nonsense," the Kiba figurine retorted. "Watch as I try and fight him... also for no apparent reason... or maybe I just want to prove that my penis is equal to his..." Gaara paused, "...even though I know it isn't."
He made the Gaara figurine kick Kiba and sent the Kiba crashing into the Chouji, thus knocking them both out.
"Oh my! You are so strong," the Neji figurine said before hugging the mini-Kazekage in an obsessive fan girl fashion.
The Shikamaru figurine let out a deep sigh. "I'm too lazy to avenge Naruto, Kiba, and Chouji, so I am going to go lay down and stare at some clouds."
He laid the figurine down and shook the Neji one off the mini-Kazekage's arm. "Go wait on my bed, bitch," he told the Neji figurine and made the figurine scamper off.
All of the sudden, the Sasuke figurine was whipped out and placed down across from the mini-Kazekage. For some reason, the Sasuke figurine had a black maid outfit on it complete with the Uchiha symbol painted on the back. Gaara made no comment about the maid outfit.
"You hurt Naruto! You will pay because I am a whiny, angsty avenger, and I hate you!...But not as much as I hate my brother!" he paused again," ...though I secretly wish I had his cock in me."
"You are quite the disturbing individual, Uchiha Sasuke," Gaara told him just before banging the figurines together hard several times.
"Wait, wait!" the Sasuke figurine suddenly said. "We shouldn't be fighting."
"...Because I find myself strangely attracted to you." Very slowly, the Gaara figurine and the Sasuke figurine inched closer to each other for that one sweet kiss that would forever change their already questionable relationship.
Just as their mouths were only centimeters apart, without warning, one of the Sand-nin barged into the office.
"Kazekage-sama, your brother has finally returned from his mission!"
Gaara's eyes went impossibly wide, and he quickly reached out and pulled all the figurines out of view, hugging them protectively to his chest. "Did you see anything!"
"No, Kazekage-sama, I did not just see you playing with your dolls," he answered before hastily stepping out of the office and closing the door.
Gaara let out a sigh of relief. "Good."
This scene was shamelessly ripped off Spaceballs. I offer no disclaimer because I do not give a crap, though, I do firmly apologize to all Gaara fans. I adore the guy, too, but I couldn't help myself --;;
...and yes, Gaara is a closet ItaSasu fanboy, but then again, who isn't?
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